Dear C.
You may think that I have moved on, just like you did. But for me, it's taking more than just a few days like it did for you. Because to me, we weren't just nothing. To me, everything I said meant something. And to me, you weren't just another game to play.
To me, you were the first guy I trusted. You were the first guy I opened up to. And you were the first guy who changed me.
I know we didn't spend that much time together. It was only a few months. But those few months were the most eventful months of my life. I felt like you opened me up to another world. An unknown world. Because I'm young and I didn't know what love feels like. I still don't. But you made me feel like I was about to find out. You made me feel like we could be something. You got me to break down my walls for you. My walls behind which I was save and in front of which I was distant and cold. After a while of talking to you, I felt like a wine glass in your fingers, constantly in danger of being dropped and broken into a million pieces. I gave you that power. And you proved to me that that was the biggest mistake I could make.
I don't know how you managed to make me feel so special. But being the young, naive and insecure girl that I am, your plan worked perfectly. I still don't understand what all of it was for or what you got out of it. I don't understand why you made the effort of constantly lying. And I don't understand how you could be so cold-hearted. The fact that I thought you genuinely cared about me and looked at me in awe hurts the most. The fact that I felt like someone could see me as something special too. But if you cared the tiniest bit, you woulnd't have left like this. You woulnd't have distanced yourself without any word and you wouldn't have kept lying after I asked you about it. You wouldn't have deleted me off social media and made sure never to see me or speak a word to me again. Because you knew that this would hurt me. But you didn't care. You never cared if I got hurt.
Months have passed. I still can't fall asleep because the memory of falling asleep with my head resting on your chest, rising and falling with every breath you took, keeps replaying in my head. The memory of you wrapping your arm around me and pulling me closer while intertwining my fingers with yours haunts me.
And I wonder how you could stay entirely unaffected while I was falling. How you could walk away without looking back when I thought you would catch me.
That still hurts the most.
Everything would be different if you would've explained and apologized and showed any signs of you caring about me.
Because you did everything else.
You did everything but you didn't explain.
And now I'm lost.
Now I lost myself.
I haven't figured out in what way you have changed me yet.
I just know that "after you" hasn't been the same as "before you". And it probably never will.
Because you were the first guy I opened up to.
The first guy I trusted.
The first guy I felt more for.
And the reason why any other guy will have trouble gaining my trust. Because I will be afraid that he will be like you. Dropping no hints whatsoever but walking away without looking back all of a sudden. Leaving all the shattered pieces behind without a care of picking any of them up.
