To the Guy That I'm Still In Love With

Dear you, I hope you're doing well; I genuinely do. I want to begin with saying one thing: I'm writing this letter to find peace in myself. I'm not trying to hurt you or guilt you; I would never intentionally do either of those things. So let's begin. We broke up what feels like a year ago, but it's only been a month I think. I remember you telling me that the thought of losing me petrified you. I guess that was a lie. I remember the first time you didn't say "I love you" back; I remember the knots that formed in my stomach and how I cried and screamed into my pillow that night. I remember when you wouldn't kiss me back that day at the park and how my heart sunk. I remember going to your house on March 13 knowing deep down that my heart was going to break. And it did. You made me think that you actually loved me. In the short time we were together, I trusted you. You were the first person I told about my ex and how he hit me. You were the second guy I kissed. You held open doors and treated me like a princess, but I have come to the realization that you never actually cared. You slept with me and then left for the most insignificant reason. You let me get attached. When you left, it was surreal. I told myself you'd come back, but you didn't. I figured out that you were never coming back when I was in the floor of my shower crying for two hours begging God to just let me die. Sweetheart, you have no idea what you have done to me. You forced me to become accustomed to life without you. God, I had nobody. I can't tell you how many times I have been on the brink of suicide. I can't tell you how many times I'd be in the middle of laughter and I would just think of you or smell your cologne and have to leave my friends to go cry. In the beginning, my friends were there for me, but after a few weeks of me still crying whenever I thought of us, they stopped caring. They told me to move on, but I couldn't and still can't get over you. It's funny how much you hurt me. Man, you ripped me apart on the inside and didn't even notice or care. I don't understand how you can make someone love you and then just stop talking to them. I get that we are broken up and that there are things going on in your life, but it kills me to know that you can do this to me. God, you and I could sit and talk all night. We would lose track of time when we would recline the seat in your car and I'd lay on top of you and we would talk and cuddle and kiss. Man, I miss that. I hate myself for not hating you after what you did. I still love you. I know that one day I'll just be a story like the rest of your exes. I know that you'll tell your future girlfriends about why we broke up. I know you won't miss me or regret leaving me; I will always regret messing this up. You were the best I ever had, but I wish you weren't. Love, The Girl Who Will Always Love You.