To the guy I messed it up with

Subject: To the guy I messed it up with
From: The girl who always messes it up, but this time actually cares
Date: 29 Nov 2015

We were so close, we were such good friends. I looked forward to your name appearing on my phone screen and always smiled when I read your messages or opened your snaps. We always laughed together. I have more inside jokes with you from our three-month friendship than I do with friends I've had for three years. It has been a month since we've talked.
I guess I knew you were interested in me. I pretended that you weren't though, just like I always do. When friends would ask I would immediately reply "Oh god no! We're just friends." They knew better, and if I'm being honest with myself, so did I. And then I messed up. Like I always do. But this time I haven't stopped thinking about it since.
I guess I knew he was interested in me too. But, of course, I pretended he wasn't. And I knew you two were good friends, and I should've known you'd find out.
I know it's pointless for me to tell you that nothing happened. Though that's the truth, I understand now what it looked like from the outside. Now I understand how insulted and hurt you must have felt when I blew you off but not your friend. I also know that it's pointless for me to tell you it was unintentional, and that I would do anything to take that night back and redo it. Because that will never happen.
We went from best friends to you not speaking to me overnight, and it's completely my fault. I know I messed it up, but the loss of your friendship has left a hole in my life and in my heart. For the first time in my life I found myself sacrificing my pride to reach out to you, even though I knew I would be shut down. I constantly think about what you must think about me, if you even do at all. I'm sure you don't think about me much anymore. But I wish you did.
I guess I knew I was interested in you too. But I was too scared to meet you half-way. Now I deal with the pain of regret every single day. And I am so sorry.