A goodbye to the one that made me hate myself

Subject: A goodbye to the one that made me hate myself
From: b
Date: 23 Oct 2015


It has been 52 days since we last spoke. Well, since I yelled at you. These past couple of months have been quite hard for me. I have had to learn to live without the one thing that was keeping me in this world. I imagine you have been going through something similar. You know, I often wonder if you still think about me. Or if you even remember what my voice sounds like. Because I hear yours everyday. From the moment I wake up to the moment I pass out each night. Your voice is a constant reminder of you, and that brings me pain.

I hope you are doing well, or at least better than I am doing. I know we didn't part on good terms. Once I found out what you did behind my back, I lost it. I am sorry. I yelled, said some hurtful things, and didn't give you a chance to explain yourself. But what you did with him, that doesn't matter any more. That is in the past. I have accepted it, and I forgive you for it. I hope you can forgive me for what I did...

You know, since we broke up I have been in a pretty terrible place. When you were no longer in my life, I took a look at who was left. I have a family that I hardly speak to, and when we do speak it is always a fight. I have 4 friends that I only see at school, they have no interest in spending time with me when we are not working on labs. And I have myself. The person I likely hate the most.

I have changed, you probably wouldn't recognize me anymore. I have a new hair cut, grown out my facial hair, and I have started going to the gym. I also have gone on a couple dates with people I have met on tinder. Seems pretty good right? Wrong. I am an absolute mess. That funny, friendly down to earth guy you once knew is someone completely different now. I don't know how to talk to people anymore. I am so full of pain, and sadness, that it has actually turned into anger now. My family thinks I am fine, and that I am over you, but that is all an act. Deep down in my core it feels like I am going to explode. I feel like I am walking around in a atomic bomb. Sometimes I am scared of what crosses my mind. I have never been a violent person, but recently it feels like I could lash out on anyone that pushes the wrong button.

I don't blame you for any of this. It isn't your fault that your presence in my life has had such a big impact. I take full responsibility for the person I am right now. I am a creation of my own nightmare. I let you get close to me, I let myself fall in love with you, I shared some of the best moments of my life with you, and then found out that all of those feelings, they were a one way street. You never loved me, and you never were 100% in our relationship. You can tell yourself whatever you want to make yourself feel better, but deep down inside you know this much is true.

So, now that I am a train wreck of emotions, you're probably wondering where do I go form here? Heh. If only I knew. I will probably get angrier, and sadder, and eventually lose all hope completely. But I know there will be a point, whether it is a month from now, a year form now, that I will start to feel better. I know this isn't the end for me, and I will keep pushing through. And soon enough, these feelings will wash away.

But the one feeling I haven't mentioned, is the one that is the strongest. It is love. I am still in love with you, and I miss you so much. But this love, this is for the girl I knew before august 30th. I love her with all of my heart, I was going to spend the rest of my life with her. And make no mistake, though I do still love you, I have realized it is not actually you that I am in love with. I love the memory of you, not the stranger that I broke up with on August 30th. That stranger? That person is the real you. I never knew who you really were. And that, that makes it hurt even more.

So there you go. This is what is going on in my mind. Is it confusing? Is it hard to follow? Absolutely. Sometimes my thoughts don't even make sense to me. But I needed to tell you, and I hope you can at least get something out of this mess of a post. And with that, I want to leave you with something you wrote for me when we started dating. These words haunt me, and remind me how much I hate myself. Because I will never find 'Where Happiness Resides'.

"There’s something so mysterious about all these new feelings,
Where are they taking us? Hopefully somewhere that happiness resides.

When I first met you I didn’t have a clue,
That you would mean this much to me.
Just a guy slumped in his chair with a lemonade,
Talking about cars and video games.

Funny how you take a stranger and throw them into your life,
And suddenly everything feels just right,

Like how we can sit in silence,
In a bean bag chair, or laying side by side,
It’s an art that’s treasured, hard to be mastered.

I could lay with you for hours and never grow bored,
We’d watch each other’s eyes and get sleepy before we know it,
Tracing patterns on the palms of each other’s hands.

Sometimes I’ll just sit here and try to come up with something interesting to say,
But often nothing ever comes to me,
Because when I talk to you I’m just so instantly out of it,
So clumsy and awkward,
You make me worry about the little things because I care to get them right.

You just make me feel something,
And it’s the good kind of dropping in the pit of my stomach,
The butterflies that are instant when I see your dimpled smile,
How I now just want to be a better person.

I hear you speak and I’m intent on your voice,
You may not like it but I think it’s quite nice,
The way you tell your stories makes me feel alive again,
When so much about me felt dead.

I’ll pick up a pen, you’ve got me writing again,
Words that can’t compare to how I feel,
I try to express but it never comes out the best,
But I’m a writer in training, so don’t give up on me yet,

Most of the time I miss you more than you know,
More than I can explain,
Because my arms don’t stretch far enough
To show the extremity.

You just make me smile, you make me laugh,
You make me feel like I can be a kid again.

Where are you when I want you right beside me,
Right here, doing nothing
But familiarizing each other with our faces

I’m hoping we will go,
(But I sort of already know),
To somewhere that happiness resides"