Good enough?

Subject: Good enough?
Date: 19 Oct 2017

And I can see it coming. The moment when I know he will choose her over me. The moment I know will come. I've been here before. Multiple times. A different guy, a different friend but the same heartbreak. And I know where it will lead me. A dark, cold hole where I sit and wonder why I'm once again not good enough. A place where the only thing that consumes my mind is where I went wrong or is there something wrong with me? A place where I consider myself unlovable. A place where I hide my tears to the world until it's time to go to bed and I'm by myself. And I lay there all night smothering my screams with a pillow. A place where I give up my innocence to someone else, a place where I drink myself to belligerence or get so high I can't remember when my feet left the ground, just to block out the pain. And everyone tells me, 'You don't need him. He doesn't deserve you anyway. You deserve better. Don't give it another thought.' But how can I do that? How can I believe that I'm worth anything, when each time I give more and end up hurt worse in the end? When I opened up, let him in and he still didn't give me the chance to love him. Yet she tries so effortlessly and wins him over. I'm scared to be back in this place, because I never really saw light the last time. And I wonder, how many more times can this happen before I decide not to get out. To stay in this hole and save myself the struggle of trying. How much pain can a person take until they break? I think I've reached that point.