I’m sorry for what I did. It was not my intent to hurt you at all, I was just trying to be there for you during a hard time (one I won’t describe since I was sworn to secrecy and I haven’t and won’t tell a soul). You even unfriended me, adding to the already hostile feeling of our last conversation. There were things I said that were weird that I shouldn’t have said, and I probably shouldn’t have even tried to say anything at all. But you expect to destroy my world and think we’re gonna shake hands? Just because something bad happens to you doesn’t mean you can go into people’s lives like a tornado and destroy all that’s holding them together. That is what you’ve done to me the past few months.
Before I met you, I was without hope. I had a hard childhood, with an emotionally and verbally abusive father, bullied all my life, forced into a religion I didn’t want to be a part of, and much more. I had no hope for finding true happiness, no hope that anyone would ever love me. Then I met you, and everything changed. As we became friends, I started to feel true, genuine happiness. I felt important, wanted, needed, like everything was right in the world. I felt close to you, I felt like I could trust you. It felt like everything that ever hurt me didn’t hurt as much when I was with you. I usually shrug off any nice things other people say about me because I can’t feel good about myself, but when you said nice things to me it really meant something to me. And as our friendship developed, I fell in love with you. I would have done anything for you. But I wasn’t just in love with you – I loved you, as a friend, as a person. You were one of the only people I could trust. But then you destroyed everything.
At the beginning, I was told that something happened to you that made you unable to love again. And when you told me what it was, I cried. But the day you told me you were “seeing someone” (which I’m starting to think was a lie) proved me wrong – you could love, just not me. And it broke my heart. I tried so hard for so long to prove that I wasn’t like every other guy, that I was different. And you’d talk to me online and pretend to be my friend, yet you wanted nothing to do with me. You wouldn’t even get coffee with me as a friend, and don’t you tell me you were too busy. There were days that you could have that you didn’t, even during lunch at school. You managed to do a million things with a million people a million times, go to party after party, yet you couldn’t spend one minute with me. I was sent to a psych ward for trying to kill myself, and you didn’t message me until a week later. But when you finally did, you said you were thinking of me and that you’d come visit me that Thursday, or we’d go celebrate if I was out by then. I got my strength back because of that. But then you cancelled, which I understood at the time, but after I surprised you that Saturday, on Sunday you told me you needed space, which really fucking came out of nowhere. Since when was I making you not enjoy this time? Why don’t you want me in your memories? How was I ever asking for too much? You tell me you needed space right after you drove me to being locked in a fucking psych ward??? I lost my strength again that day, but worse than before, and I haven’t been strong since. I couldn’t go to school that week because of that. So many people I’ll never see again because of you. Then you came back, only to barely talk to me, ignore me, have things not really feel the same, and then kick me out again for trying to be there for you. Is this how you treat all your friends, or is it just me? At a time where I desperately needed you, needed hope, you took it all away from me. Now I know that everything you ever said to me was a lie. Every good memory I have of you has been tainted forever, and those were my favorite memories. You abandoned, betrayed, and broke me. You were the only one who could help me, and you abandoned me. I loved you, and you abandoned me. You knew all the stuff that was wrong with me, yet you did all that shit anyways. Were you trying to break me? Do you know how many times I’ve cried over you, how many times I thought I was going crazy? How dare you toy with the emotions of someone so mentally fragile, so emotionally traumatized? You once said you hated to see me hurting, so why are you hurting me? You never cared about me at all, did you? You meant the world to me, and I meant nothing to you. Everything I thought was a lie.
You drove me so crazy I was locked in a psych ward. Yeah, I could pretend it was my dad or the crazy church I used to go to, but we both know it was you. You made me hit new lows; lows I didn’t even know were possible for me. I can’t sleep, I can’t focus on things, and I can’t even enjoy the things I used to enjoy anymore. I usually just lay around, waiting for the day to end. You are the source of so much of my pain these past few months. You’ve just about doubled my traumatic memories, and because of my PTSD, my brain doesn’t move on from things – things just pile on. I’m stuck in this darkness for the rest of my life. I’ll never be happy, I’ll never be loved, and I’ll never hope for a better life again. Any self-confidence I had left is now gone forever. You broke me, and you didn’t even bother to pick up the pieces. And just because you admit you’re a shitty friend doesn’t make you any less of a shitty friend. You didn’t even say the words “Goodbye, Elijah” in your last message to me. I deserve a better ending than the shitty one you gave me. I deserve an apology for all the pain and misery you’ve caused me, and not from behind a screen: in person. I deserve to be treated like a fucking human being for once. But I know you won’t give me that, not because you’re busy, but because you’re a coward. You aren’t the person I thought you were; the person people still think you are. I know you won’t give me the ending I deserve, not even as a parting gift. You know you can tell people you’re overwhelmed and can’t talk without breaking them, right? Don’t fucking villainize me for trying to be your friend, for trying to be there for you. If you throw away the people who care about you to have your interpretation of success, then you will be alone and empty forever.
You know what the worst part of all this is? I still love you. I still want to be with you, even though you’ve done nothing but caused me pain. You’re stuck in my head, and I can’t get you out. That’s what you’ve done to me. Words can’t describe the damage you’ve done to me, and I hope that sticks with you for the rest of your life, because it will stick with me for the rest of mine, however long I have left. And if you do decide to not be a coward and actually apologize to me, don’t message me. I want it in person, and I won’t accept it any other way.
