I have always been told about people in abusive relationships. I never thought I would be in one myself. No one can show you what it looks like, and we don't seem to listen when someone tells us that something is wrong. We're "in love" well at least I was. They never tell you what it feels like, the first time they do something that just shreds you to pieces. See when you spend enough time thinking about it, even you don't understand why. They're not heartless of course, just heartless to you.
The first time it happened, I didn't know what to think. I have always known what it's been like to be ignored by someone, but not someone that you hold so close to you. I guess if you've ever been heartbroken, you'd know it's like being in a cold shower. You can't breathe and it feels like you can't get out, like there is no way out. I always wanted to be able to explain that feeling. Sometimes I get trapped in it when I'm turning off the water, but I can't take it upon myself to just completely turn it off until I'm already gasping for air. Not everyone feels the same way about things or each other, that's what makes us human. People don't tell you what to look for because there is many types of abuse, there could be several being shown. It's shameful to know we stay, we give, we love, and we never get anything in return. Most of us never wanted someone to give us something that cost anything, other than time, effort, and their return love. We just can't cut it off, it's valuable to us. Yet, the time I wanted and the time I needed was only when it was someone was bored. Tell me when is the world going to be done with their childish games. Tell me when can I actually tell someone I love them and not throw it up in my face as a joke for them. I only ask this question, because it sure wasn't a joke to me.
The first time someone gets physical with you, you want to believe it was an accident. An accident they didn't mean to do, or want to do but they did it. We tend to ask ourselves if we really know the person that we "love." I can't possibly fix anything after this. I can not stop him from getting mad at me because for some reason, he hates me. You don't have to really do anything for someone to hate you, sometimes you just remind them of someone else.
Accidentally on purpose is what I believe it to have been. No matter how much you wish to change them, you can't. It can last for a lifetime if the person doesn't know when to say enough is enough. You start to think about your self worth, and how much you mean to yourself. There are times where I stood there thinking that I deserved what I got. I thought I loved him and no matter what I did to try and leave, I was stuck. I was told I could leave, but was forced to stay. I had others try and fix it, they tried their best but it only made it worse. I was too passionate about trying to love someone, that I didn't realize that I was not being treated the way I should have. When you feel the wind coming off of someone's fist coming so close to your face, that when the fist hits the wall, you can feel the drywall crumble on top of you. That is when you should run, don't worry about clothes or materialistic things. Just run. There was this time I was told to get out, and I did. I started walking down the road and leaving and if I could have I would have never went back at this point. You see as I was walking, he had picked me up off the ground and it wasn't one of the nice "sweep you off you feet things," it was a way that was supposed to scare me. I couldn't move my arm or feet, twice I had asked to be let down and I wasn't, I had then said "if you don't let me down, I will head butt you and I will be put down." He didn't put me down and I head butted him and then was body slammed to the ground. I laid on the ground, screaming and crying for someone to come and help me. I never got that help, but got back up and started walking down the road again. I was almost gone completely and was found by him where he pushed me back in the vehicle and made me stay, I had no choice.
It took a bunch of thinking and trying to find myself to actually know that I deserved better. Seeing other women being treated like princesses made me want the same thing. I knew that I needed out. Sometimes when we think about it, we can't just leave someone because that makes us look bad. I never thought the way I got out could have been my death sentence at the end. It takes a toll on you to think that someone could actually kill you, that they weren't thinking and they could just pull that trigger. I was crying, I needed someone to help me and I needed to get out. Never, would I have expected to have a gun pulled on me. That wasn't what I wanted when all I wanted at this point was to leave. He wasn't my enemy, he was my worst nightmare. It took hours of trying to get my phone back from him and trying to get ahold of someone to come and get me. I had eventually found that it was over, he couldn't hurt me anymore. If there is anything in this world, that I wish would just go away are the flashbacks. I wanted to be left alone, and I wanted to be by myself. It took days to be able to sleep, and not have to stare at the walls to do so. It took all I had to not cry at night and not feel lonely. Spending a year and a half with someone and living with them too, for them to only abuse you, kills you. I am lucky to be alive, I am lucky to have not been shot and killed. There is nothing in this world that would change how I feel about this. I am a lucky woman, I have a house over my head, food in my belly, and an education.
Everything does get better, nothing is permanent. The only thing that is permanent in life are scars that never seem to heal. They won't heal unless you let them, but they do heal eventually. The person who does something to you isn't a heartless person, they're only heartless to you. You're the reason they act this way. It doesn't mean you did anything, it means you gave them love that they couldn't handle. You were in love, they weren't. It's just not your fault.
