“I think it happens to everyone as they grow up. You find out who you are and what you want, and then you realize that people you've known forever don't see things the way you do. And so you keep the wonderful memories, but find yourself moving on.” -Nicholas Sparks
You were the one person in my life I always could rely on. You saw me through absolutely everything. You were welcome on family vacations. You were my plus one to family weddings. You were there for every prom and every Friday night eating ice cream. You were in every picture on the walls in my room that it hurt to take down. You knew about every heartbreak while wiping away every tear. I remember that road trip we wanted to plan. Remember those matching tattoos we wanted to get. I remember those nights you picked me up, as I ran out of my house crying.
You were the one person who understood everything. Our loyalty to each other was a bind I assumed would be forever…until it wasn’t.
THE ONLY REASON I’M SO ANGRY…
I don’t allow myself to be angry. In fact I think you are one of the few people who has seen me at my angriest and worst. With that, came spiteful words and tears on both of our ends.
When someone brings up your name, I’m overcome with anger that is masked pain. I worry if I’ll run into you. I’ll look across the bar and see a familiar stranger. And it’ll set in, we know nothing about each other anymore.
IS BECAUSE I LOVED YOU LIKE A SISTER.
But behind that anger is pain and misunderstanding. It ended so abruptly. The best things usually do. But I spent days trying to understand. It was like a breakup only worse.
AND I THOUGHT "SORRY" WAS ENOUGH…
Sure we got into fights in our past. And I thought we forgave each other for everything. I never asked you if the smoke had cleared, more or less I just hoped it did.
FOR THE LITTLE FIGHTS WE GOT INTO.
And maybe there was something boiling under the surface. Maybe, I didn’t pay close enough attention to it. Maybe, this is all me. Maybe, it’s both of us. Maybe, I’ll spend the rest of my life continuing to be confused as to how we got to where we are.
AND MAYBE I TOOK YOU FOR GRANTED…
The title of best friend didn’t just go to anyone. You were my right hand person. You did everything I asked of you and more. I’m beginning to wonder if I did the same. I loved you more than anyone. But I wonder...did I say it and show you that.
BECAUSE I JUST ALWAYS EXPECTED YOU TO BE THERE.
When someone is there long enough you just expect them to be. You were in every memory of my past. You were the one next to me at every birthday party. You were every text, that never seemed to end…Until it did. And I’d sent texts that would go unanswered. I began to worry more and more. This wasn’t us. This wasn’t you. I didn’t recognize you in the end.
I DIDN’T WANT IT TO END SO BADLY…
I wanted to defuse the situation. I wanted answers. But whenever someone even mentioned your name, I’d burst into tears.
BUT YOU REALLY DID HURT ME.
I don’t know what I did. I don’t know what you were thinking in the end. You cut yourself out of my life, with no explanation. I was left reaching for someone who didn’t want to stay. And the saddest part was, you probably knew it for a while. Maybe you were waiting for an excuse to leave. And maybe I broke the camels back that night. You saw it as an opportunity to run.
I wonder when you made that decision? Were there moments you looked at me with annoyance and a fake smile, as I drunkly slurred I love you with a shot in one hand. I don’t know. I probably never will.
I’ll always drive past your house with a heavy heart, remembering how I used to walk in. I think of your family and miss them. I’ll go to that favorite place in town and know it was our place. I’ll always look back at pictures sad, because I thought there would be so many more.
BUT IF YOU SHOULD KNOW ANYTHING…
Despite how mad and hurt and lacking understanding of it all….I’d be the first there if you needed me.
You should also know, if ever you decide to come back into my life, I hope you know I’d appreciate you more. I hope you know I’d tell you I love you, despite the pain you caused.
And when the day comes and I walk down the aisle, you should know, I’ll have saved your name on the guest list and a seat in the front row if you choose to join me.
I STILL LOVE YOU.
Original Source: http://www.puckermob.com/relationships/to-the-friend-i-thought-would-be-...
