The First Boy Who Broke My Heart

An Open Letter to the First Boy Who Broke my Heart I have never felt like this in my entire life. My heart feels like its shattered into a million pieces, I haven’t cried this much –ever, my chest aches all the time, and there’s an emptiness inside of me that I think only you could fix. Maybe I didn’t realize it at the time, but I was in love. You had me wrapped around your finger, and I think you knew it. I would have done anything in the world for you, and sometimes I think that occasionally, you took advantage of that whether or not you meant to. From the moment we started to talk and become friends back in October, to May when we parted and went our separate ways for the summer, and maybe even forever I would have done anything in the world. You needed me and I needed you. I was one of the only people who always gave you the second and third chances that you seemed to need. I listened to your stories and never judged. I made sure you got your work done, and your grades reflected what you are capable of. You knew how much you relied on me and to your credit; you did thank me for it multiple times. I would have done it for anyone, but doing it for you was different somehow. You showed me all that I was. I changed a lot this year. All of my friends at school seemed to make me into a tightly-wound bitch, but you were able to get me back to normal by just telling me to “chill” or with a reminder that they’re just petty bitches, and in the end they don’t really matter. With you I started to look long-term instead of just short-term like I was used to. You showed me that I could still be the laid-back girl I am at home while still being the girl who loves everyone with every ounce of her being, and that is something that I love about myself. As I fell in love with you, I also learned to love myself again. I don’t know why, but you trusted me from the beginning. I remember all of our conversations, from a “Hey” walking past one another to the flirty comments in class to our deep conversations when we both probably should have been in bed. I’m not really sure how much you got to know about me, but I know you let me see a side of you only a privileged few were privy to and because of that I think you knew enough about me for the time that we had together. You let me see the real you, and I feel honored that you were able to share that whole side of yourself with me. Before school started in the fall, I never knew how much I could love my friends. Because that’s what we were –really good friends. At times, I thought it could be more and in my heart I truly believe that you did too, but we didn’t clearly communicate about that. It was probably the only topic where we didn’t lay it all out on the table. And it was probably the one that we should have. Maybe it was my fear when it came to the topic. I know that you tried to start it multiple times, but I was too scared or I had too much work, or someone else needed me at the time, and instead of just putting myself out there, it was easier for me to keep it all bottled up inside, and that is my biggest regret. The fear that I had when it came to losing you was something that I had never experienced before. I was so scared that by telling you how I felt I would lose you that it was easier to just keep it to myself. In the end I think that these feelings I kept bottled up started to push us apart. I started to drive you away. As my feelings got stronger, I started to ignore you a little bit. If I saw you in the hallway, I wouldn’t say hi all the time. You being you, would call me on it, but it wasn’t me ignoring you, it was just me protecting myself. It was hard for me to feel the way that I did and not have you know, even though I spent a lot of time with you. This just made you closer to her though. Pretty soon she would start helping you with some homework. Then you guys were hanging out the way we used to. By the end of the year you guys were having the 2am conversations that we used to have. In the end, she got what she and I both wanted –you. There are things I think you should have known about her, but I never told you because you seemed happy, and no matter what it took from me, I would never mess with your happiness. Sometimes I think part of the reason we never ended up together was my friends. I don’t think any of them actually liked you, but none of them knew you like I knew you. I know that sounds stupid and like just another excuse, but it’s true. They had no interest in getting to know you better because their minds were already made up when it came to you. I never felt like I could really tell them all that I felt. This letter is a large part of me, and most of them have no idea. If I brought you up most of them would just make a joke. But if they entertained the idea, I think I got bad advice from them. “He’ll come around” they said. “Maybe right now isn’t the right time, when the times right it will happen”. Well now our time has run out. I should have said what I needed to, but I didn’t and now here we are. We could have been great. What we shared as friends was a greater connection than I had with anyone else at school. At times I wondered if you took it as seriously as I did, but in the end I think that if I truly needed you, you would have been there for me no matter what. If we were together, I think we both would have been happier. I know that when I was with you, the other side of me came out and I couldn’t help but smile and laugh at whatever was going on. You needed me too, and you knew that. My friends were not the biggest fan of you, but that didn’t matter to me. I saw the potential in you as a friend, and as a human being that they didn’t always see. Sometimes I think that their disapproval of you held you back because you started to believe what they thought about you. I know that I’ve told you this in some words on occasion, but I want you to know that you are an amazing human being with so much potential. I know that you’ve had your troubles but once you stop letting those hold you back, you will start to see what you have and all that you are. You are smart. The intelligence that you have has blown my mind, and you can’t even see that you have it. When you work to your potential it shows, and it is very impressive. And even though you like to act all tough, I know that you have a heart. You care about me, you care about your other friends, and you do care about your family. You haven’t even begun to reach your potential yet, but when you work as I know you can, you will make all of us proud. Nine months. That’s all we had together. I wish it could have been a lifetime, because there’s so much I wanted to share with you, ask you, learn about you, and experience with you. But life isn’t always fair and this sucks. Although you aren’t with me now, you taught me another thing. Don’t take shit for granted. I took my time with you for granted and I regret that so much. I would give anything for one more two am conversation or another fifty minute class where you just make me laugh. I don’t think I’d change anything about us, but I do wish that I had expressed how I felt –Not only for me and my peace of mind, but also for you. I don’t think it was fair to you either. You should have known how I felt. Maybe it would have changed things, and maybe not but I do know that I will never make that mistake again. Even though right now, my heart is in a million pieces, I don’t regret a single thing that occurred between us. Exploring you and building our relationship showed me that I can love in a way that I had never before experienced. A year ago, I didn’t think that I was capable of loving people the way I am today, but really I was just too selfish. You helped me uncover my true being. I am a girl who loves everyone, and would do anything in the world for them. You have changed me for the better, and that’s why I don’t regret what we shared. Sometimes I go back to my old ways and pretend to be this self-righteous, conceited, bitch but it’s only a way to protect myself. I laugh cause I know that if you were here you’d probably call me on it. It’s been twenty-six days since we last communicated, and there hasn’t been a day where I didn’t think about you or what we had. Every time my phone rings I perk up thinking maybe it’s you, but it never is. You said you’d let me know what you’re going to do once you figure it out, and I think that you will, but I keep hoping for a text or a DM of something you know would make me laugh now and again. I don’t know when we’ll see each other next or even if we will see one another ever, and I think that’s the hardest part. The thought of going back to school in the fall and not passing you in the hallway, or seeing you when I’m getting food makes my heart hurt a little bit more, if that’s even possible. I’m not sure if I’ll ever have another friendship like the one we had, but I thank you for everything you shared with me and all that you taught me. If this is the end of you and me, I’m grateful for what we had and I will never forget this. I know I won’t always feel like this and someday there will be another boy who I’ll share these feelings with, even though that seems impossible at the moment. I know I don’t have to say it but I want you to know that I will always be here for you, no matter what you need.