I am hurting. I feel like my heart has shattered into a million pieces and I will never be able to find them all. It's been a long while since we last spoke. Admittedly, things didn’t leave off on a good note… no matter how badly I wished to message you. Things between us will never be the same. Though I do miss you. I miss you more than you could ever know or ever believe. I still love you.
To sum it up, the last words you said to me implied that the time I spent with you, everything I did with you, and everything I said to you was a lie; that everything was a lie. That I was selfish; that no matter how hard I tried, no matter how much I did, I only cared about myself and not the slightest amount for you.That I said “f*** you” because of your mental illnesses. That in the end I just used you for my own desires; you were never good enough for me; I ruined your entire life; I …..killed you. Those words instilled in me such a deep, searing pain in my heart I could not message you back. I could not give a proper explanation for I could find no words to type. I could not defend myself against the claims you had laid against me. I could not find the will to justify myself. I felt hopeless. For that was the moment I knew, deep in my soul, you hated me. I felt as though you hated me because I decided to take a step back and gather myself: you loved me and needed me but I could not be there in the way you wanted. You wanted me and needed me completely…. I could not be who you needed.
Looking back now, I’d definitely say we, or at least on my end, moved at a very fast rate. Perhaps maybe too fast. I had never met someone who suffered from severe depression and anxiety. I did not know what to expect or how to handle everything that came with it. At first, I believed I could handle it. I was very optimistic and didn’t know just how bad it could get. At first it didn’t seem so bad. I would message you random things, ask you how you were feeling and lend a listening ear. I’d tell you things I’m sure you’ve heard a million times before about what I thought would help. I’d treat you like a normal person without any “mental illness.” In your position, i’d imagine that’s what I would want. To have someone see me for more than just a mental illness. I saw you as more than just your mental illnesses. Yet I realize now, that they will always be a part of WHO you are. It seemed to appease you for a little while but then it no longer did. So you told me to say things that you’ve noticed usually help you or rather things you just wanted to hear, things watered down, straight to the point, and not so harsh. So I said them. I said them until they became almost an automatic response and you were appeased again...or until you weren't. I’d say them and you’d still get unsettled. So I’d stop saying them and just listen instead, yet you’d get upset with me for saying nothing at all.
I didn’t understand. I thought I was helping by treating you as normal as I could. I thought I was helping by saying what you wanted to hear. I thought I was helping by giving a listening ear. Though you still ended up depressed. It didn’t stop me from trying though. I asked you time and time again what would help or what I could do for you. You’d tell me warning signs for when an episode may be about to start, you’d tell me words to say to help you calm down, you’d tell me what not to say; I tried. I tried as hard as I could but I still didn’t understand just how bad it was for you and what went through your head day in and day out. For it only got worse. So. Much. Worse.
You told me you wanted to kill yourself. You told me you wanted to die. You told me you felt worthless and that the world would be better off without you. My heart cried. It pained me to think that you didn’t want to be a part of this world anymore. That you didn’t want to be a part of my world. For at this point I had seen your amazing smile. I had heard that amazing laugh. I had gazed into your beautiful, neverending gaze. I had fallen deeply in love with you. I had loved you. I knew the you that was behind all the depression, all the anxiety. I didn’t want to lose you. Everytime those words were spoken my heart broke a little more. It didn’t matter how many times I said “ I need you.”, “I want you.” ,“I love you.”, it wouldn’t stop those words from coming out of your mouth. It wouldn’t stop you from feeling worthless and like you wanted to die. I realized that nothing I could do would help you get through depression. Not really anyways. For it would always be another day with the same restlessness. Another time for my heart to break a bit more.
So I reacted in a way I think is normal. I slowly started to pull myself back. I tried time and time again to push you away and end things; on a relationship level. You told me that if I did i’d be taking away your happiness, your will to live, that i’d be taking everything away from you. Admittedly I was weak, I was weak for you. I didn’t really want to leave because I loved you with all my heart. A feeling I felt deep in my soul. Even with the warning signs of those words you’d say, I just couldn’t do what I knew had to be done in order for us to both benefit; for you to find the strength to get the help we both know you needed and for me to gain space to ease my heart.
I think you could notice because you became even more depressed...more upset with me. There was a moment when you had texted me threatening to do something to yourself and then not respond to me until you showed up at work. Even though I had messaged asking if you were still with me, if you were ok. I told you that it had really upset me because I seriously had thought you’d done something with the way you were talking the night before. I had even texted stating I thought about calling the suicide hotline, the police department, your mom, just something because I was that worried. Yet you still didn’t even message me...because I had ignored you the night before. You just waited to see me in person at work. At this point I believed you just wanted to spite me…. Making me question whether you had really felt as low as you said or if you were just saying those things to get me to feel bad.
This moment. This moment is the point where I believe things took a turn for the worse for me. Because I couldn’t believe that you’d do something of that magnitude to someone you claimed to love. I’ve said so many times before I knew I ignored you without saying anything, not letting you know if I was busy or if something had happened to me. I get it. I really do. You never know what could happen at any given moment and you just wanted to talk to me, to know that I was still here and that I still cared. But I never threaten suicide and then ignored you: ignore texts asking if you were still here. The two situations, thought very similar, are extremely different cases to me. I was so worried about you and the stress on my heart was unexplainable. I was at work stressed, just willing for you to text me back but you never did. Instead you just showed up at work. I was furious because then I knew you had just ignored me. I knew you just wanted to spite me. That was the first moments of doubt for me.
I started getting thoughts you wanted to manipulate me into certain reactions. That you weren’t actually as depressed as you claimed to be. That you were….just begging for attention. All thoughts I knew were wrong but couldn't help feeling. I knew you could tell I was distancing myself but we both handled it wrong. Instead of having a calm conversation setting boundaries and me explaining how I was feeling, we just ignored the situation. You apologized and I hugged you because I couldn’t bare losing you. I still didn’t want to lose you. It hurt me thinking about if you were dead, I just wanted you alive. Then everything went back to “normal”. Though it seemed we talked more than before and it got harder for me to not talk to you because I felt as though my heart had just been ripped out of my chest and I just wanted it back. I wanted you back.
Also like normal came the episodes. Also worse than before, more constant. It felt like every night or every other night we were trying to get through your mind of depression and make things feel alright. Though at some point for me things never felt alright. I started feeling helpless, strained, and hurt more than I could deal with. I wanted to help you. I tried to help you. I would a little but never enough. I became frustrated because I just wanted you to be happy so WE could be happy. I felt that I wasn’t doing enough and felt as though you were upset with me because I somehow could do more but just didn’t know how. I had to get my mental stability back to a point where I didn’t feel so low; to have the energy and fresh mindedness to help you more. Again, I started to draw back.
I think that might have had something to do with the next string of events that happened because before I knew what happened, we were back to you wanting to do something to yourself; to you leaving me a message saying you were thinking about really doing something and then ignoring me again. Only this time you did a No Call No Show at work. I was beyond furiated because of two reasons: the thought that you had actually done something and left me: the thought that you were just ignoring me again. I can’t remember what issue we were dealing with between us for this situation but I know there was one because you had finally messaged me back later at night telling me you had thought not to respond until two days later. That or when you would’ve shown up when we worked the same shift again; also two days later. I can’t imagine you didn’t think of how I felt or how I would have felt… based off of how I felt last time. Though this time I was more upset because of the worry you put me through and the realization that, even though you were depressed, you were doing this just to spite me. That you just wanted me to feel guilty for not talking to you and know the pain that you went through. For this I am sorry. I’m sorry because just like last time I ignored the situation. Only this time I told you I wanted to spend the night with you.
We never talked. We never talked about any of it, we just wanted to spend time with each other, enjoy each other’s presence because we both cared so deeply for the other. In your last few messages you go on to tell me about how you despise me for what we did that night, even though if blame is being pointed, i’m not the only one to blame. You told me I used you that night for my own desires but that’s not true. I simply didn’t “use” you. I wanted you, missed you, was just happy to be with you. I needed you. You could have stopped everything at any moment. I could say you “used” me… manipulated my feelings for you by threatening suicide, getting me to realize(feel bad) how badly I needed you in my life. But I will not give that sentence justice because we both knew what we were doing, how shitty the situation was, and all the things we were ignoring but went on like normal. For that I am sorry. I despise myself for no talking to you about how I really felt. About how badly I was hurting. I just couldn’t because you seemed happy and I didn’t want to ruin that. Later you would tell me that morning I seemed like a completely different person; that all my feelings for you vanished and what I had felt was just “Lust”. I can tell you that it was not just lust, I really did love you. Everything I felt for you, everything I told you were all true. That morning I just couldn’t live with the guilt of doing what we did knowing I had intended to talk to you about breaking things off for good this time...and failing yet again. I knew you’d be upset, as you have every right to be.
I didn’t want to leave you. I did care for you. I just couldn’t care for you and love you the way you had needed and still keep things at a healthy mindset. I couldn’t take a step back and set boundaries with what I could and couldn’t handle and still give you the attention and affection you desired. I felt to be in a relationship with you demanded too much from me that I simply could not give. I know you won’t understand that or believe that to be a very dumb thing but to me its reasonable if you think about it. Every person is different with what they can and can’t handle. I think you know me well enough to have realized just how optimistic and forward my outlook on life is. So it was extremely difficult for me to deal with what I felt like was constant negativity and a constant pessimistic attitude. I understood you couldn't quite help it, that your depression did control you in a way. Yet for all my understanding, it still drained me. Drained every essence of who I was at my core until I was becoming someone I no longer recognized. Someone I didn’t like: someone always frustrated, hopeless, sad, hurting, and strained. I’m not saying all you made me feel was these horrible things because you made me feel amazing things too. It’s just that… you know how much the negative things can outway the positives. It’s very hard to bounce back when you feel like your being constantly beaten down. It wasn’t doing either of us any good if we both felt like that. So I had to take that step back.
I told you I still wanted to be friends because I didn’t want to lose you completely even though I already knew what you’d say. It didn’t make anything less painful for me. When you finally told me how you really felt …. Those last few words to me, it broke my heart the rest of the way. I knew you were done with me and I knew you truly believed I never cared because if I did I wouldn’t leave. I didn’t want to leave, you made that decision for me. I could manage to just be friends with the possibility of being together in the future because I truly care about you. I was still willing to help you as much I could but in a way that was also good for me, something I feel as though you'll never be able to accept. Perhaps this will be the only way you’ll find the strength to seek help. The help that I cannot give. Maybe then we can find our ways back to each other.
I’m just sorry things ended the way they did between us because I know the hate you’ll feel for me now and that tears me apart because I still care for you so so deeply. I love you. I always will because I saw the person you are underneath everything. The one with potential. I saw my best friend. I just hope someday you can forgive me; Understand. I’m just afraid you never will. Therefore my heart will never be whole because whether you’ll claim it or not you do have a piece of it. And always will. I’m sorry.
