To the Ex who may always haunt me

Subject: To the Ex who may always haunt me
From: Kenz
Date: 11 Mar 2016

I can only pray that you read this but I'm sure you won't mainly cause you'll probably never find it.
For the last almost four years of my life you've affected me in many ways. Even though you weren't around for two of those years.
I just want you to know that every time I hear "our band" play no matter what the song is I start to cry. I will never forget the times we had together though they were short it made a very big impact on my life. The biggest question I have is "did you ever mean anything you ever said to me?" Unfortunately I will probably never have the answer to that question. Because after not hearing from you for two years you reappeared. I had you in my life again it was great. And those eight months went by so fast. I had you longer then, then when we were together. And again out of the blue I never hear from you again and that's what leads me to laying here wondering if you ever cared, if you ever did really love me and I don't think you understand how hard that is to deal with and how painful it is.
I'm engaged to a man who I've been with for the last two years and despite what went on between you and me in those eight months he still loves me and he's still here but because of you I am not completely here. Every time I seem close to forgetting and getting over you something strikes a nerve and sends me right back into a relapse.
I hope that maybe getting married to him will work some miracle that I can finally get over you and as much as I want you back in my life I feel that maybe you should just stay away and maybe that will help me. I could be wrong I'm not no doctor but I feel if you came back again id be right back to square one, because no matter what you do and how many times you do it I can never hate you. I've tried thinking maybe that's how I can get over you. I've tried to be so mad at you and I am mad at you. I'd love to punch you but I could never hate you. A part of me still loves you just the same, Chris Wilson, and it effin sucks.
Maybe just maybe you will find this letter and somewhere inside of you, you will feel sorry and you will feel guilty and hopefully you can apologize to me for what you've done and hopefully when you come to the realization, it's not too late.
But i know writing this and crying while doin it. I feel quite better about myself. And I won't let your memory ruin my future.