I am writing to let you know that you succeeded. The war between you and I has finally come to an end. You won. I let you win.
Let me tell you how you won...
I let you succeed at every opportunity to ruin me, break my soul that was already broken. You made me feel exactly what my 8 year old self dreaded. A disaster. My 8 year old self would be so tormented to know that she would turn out to be what she is today.
I let your words haunt me to sleep every night. "you're ugly", "you're too fat", "your eyes are too big", "the gap between your teeth makes you look cheap", "you're dumb", "you're weak" and the worst of it all "you're not pretty enough to exist". As the tears rush down my face I made myself believe in those words. I made myself believe that is who I am. I guess that is what I am. I tried to fight but my soul is too numb to make myself believe otherwise. So hats off to you for making me lie in a bed of thorns every night. I am 18 and I lost the biggest fight in life: to do me and be me. But when I held that bottle in my hand there was a voice in the back of my head that said "live for the hope", hope, that things will get better and that someday I'll be able to stand tall and fight you. Yes I am broken, yes I am lonely, yes I don't have anyone but myself. Right now to everybody I am a nobody, but, someday I will be a somebody and when that day comes you will wish you had washed that toxic mouth of yours with soap.
P.s The band U2 and their album 'The Joshua Tree" saved me. Music is the only friend I have. To be honest with you I couldn't have asked for a better bestfriend. My mind is not at ease and my emotions are numb but music, my friend, is the best shoulder anyone could ever ask for to cry on.