I have no right to ask for the forgiveness of the one person who has done nothing but forgiven me. I am a constant disappoint and have perpetually lied to hide how disappointing I am. I tried to fill this hole in my soul that continually ached with pain but I did so without thought, without reason and without any regard to what my actions would ultimately do. I’m not saying that I didn’t think of the consequences but because of my lack of self-control I acted anyway. I made a mistake that should not be forgiven and I compounded it with lie after lie so that I can conceal just how disappointing I am. When you hurt someone… I’m not sure it is a wound that ever heals. What I do know is that even with forgiveness, it will never be the same. I have spent the last 2 days trying to figure out… how does a liar prove love? Love is an emotion that evokes feelings like passion, hurt, pain, happiness, sadness etc. I’ve been asked to do many things in life but this is new for me. Prove you’re not a liar… Prove you’re not a liar. Prove you’re not a liar. I don’t know how to do that. I am not a good person. I have done many things that I shouldn’t have…knowing I shouldn’t. I have lied, stolen, cheated. Some people chalk it up to being young and dumb or not being taught better but what if it’s none of those things. What if you can only blame yourself because you are just plain stupid or selfish or so caught up in your own emotions that the feelings and thoughts of the ones you love most become absent to you. That is me. I disregarded your feelings. But there was no reason. There were no ill intentions. It wasn’t because I wanted something different or better or that I was missing something from you… I was just missing something IN me. There has never been anyone that I have wanted since I first laid eyes on you. I knew that I wanted you to be mine from our first embrace. It was just a hug but the way that you held me…your smell…how your skin felt against my neck are all things I remember vividly. My affection for you has never wavered since that day. My life has been far from picturesque and in the last few years I have demolished it with constant mistakes and bad decisions over and over again making it hard for anyone to love me…let alone someone like you. You. You. You. You are the most amazing woman I’ve come to know and I mean that with no exaggeration. You are beautiful. I love your face so much so that as creepy as it sounds…I can tell you where almost every freckle is. Your intelligence amazes me everyday. Honestly when we first met I believe you to be of average intellect but you surprise me with your knowledge every single day with the things that you know. Your desire to learn things and know things excite me. I laugh more now than I’ve ever laughed with anyone else. Your compassion goes beyond anyone that I know personally. Your heart is so big and you have so much love that you give out that I wonder how can it be possible that you have any left for me. But amazingly…you do. All these wonderful things about you can probably be said bout every 3rd person but I tell you what makes me fall in love with you over and over again. The WAY you love me. You accept the things about me that I don’t even accept about myself. All of my insecurities are nothing to you. While I ache over how much I hate ME and the things about me and when I sad for many reasons or no reason at all…you are always right here for me. Your love is not from the shallow end of the pool… it runs deep and any surface level bullshit…is just that surface level. You look beyond what I present you with and see a me that I cant even see. A me that I have never seen. I don’t deserve that kind of love. I have done nothing to make myself worthy of that kind of presence in my life. But here you are. Loving me. And here I am… fucking it up. I am not going to get into our personal issues because the only thing that matters is that you know this… I never meant to hurt you. I never meant to make you feel betrayed. I never meant for you to feel anything less than the magnificent queen that you are. You ARE, have been and will ALWAYS be the ONLY woman I love. Everything in my entire soul begs for your forgiveness. I made you think that you didn’t matter to me and you are the ONLY thing that matters to me. I do not know if I can change your feelings but I can change the way I have treated US.
I miss you
I miss us.
I love you always.
