Dear Mr. Connelly,
I write this letter in hopes it meets your eyes one day, or doesn't perhaps. I also hope it finds you in great spirits and all is well in your life. This is my open letter to you. You see, for some unknown and selfish reason you felt I was very undeserving of my closure. Closure on the brief moments you and I were romantically involved with each other. I want you to understand I don't write this open letter to you to gain public pity nor do I do it for you to be humiliated. It's also not for others to see how you severely victimized me, even though you did. You should know of the multiple ways your presence in my life made one of the biggest impacts I've ever come to know. This is me - as me. Nothing more, nothing less. So if you find yourself mentally, psychically and emotionally ready for my 100% unedited and raw emotion. By all means, continue.
I want to take the time to tell you the many, many things I've left unsaid. The things I should've said. I must say honestly this has to be one of the most heartbreaking and hardest things I've ever had to do. To many, you've painted me out as something you did to pass the time. Wrote me off as an easy girl with zero self respect and morals. You made my life a living hell. A lucid dream, only I wasn't. You destroyed me in a multitude of ways. Ever since your words of how "quick I gave it up" spread around our workplace, I've been sexually harassed at work on a every other day basis. You are the reason I have no trust in anyone anymore. I no longer give anyone the benefit of the doubt. Because of you, all the scars I once had became open wounds yet once again. Now, when someone asks me if I'm doing fine, I swallow that all to familiar metallic taste in my throat. Pain.
Of course I don't need to remind you of my past and traumatic hardships throughout my life. We shared very many personal things and grew to be very familiar with one another. You knew of my troubled upbringing from extreme sexual abuse to neglect. I knew of your indecisive life choices as you grew to adulthood and losing your father at a young age, as did I. I won't dwell down memory lane of old conversations. But this is what you didn't know. In early December 2016, I was raped, robbed and left for dead. I suffered from anxiety and depression. I attended social groups and endless amounts of therapy sessions to learn how to cope with the aftermath of such a groundbreaking event. I became out of touch with my own reality and little by little I began to shut down. Deteriorate. I disconnected with the world entirely and had to ask myself from time to time, if I had actually lost my mind. At one point, contemplated suicide. I was hopeless. Sheltered. I lost my instinct to trust anyone, resulting me to burn bridges with those who loved me. But when I met you, that all changed.
I applied at the hotel for certain reasons. I knew about the renovations. I figured, I was at my turning point and what a great idea it seemed to me to become new with the hotel. It was a clean slate for a new life. A new beginning. I could say I was here for the before and after. Brought me to feel whole yet again. I was confident in my decision to remain employed there. This is also where I met you. When I first saw you I had just gotten off the elevator with my interviewer. You were walking towards the elevators with a box over your left shoulder. You looked right at me and told my interviewer that he better hire me. By the time I turned around to smile at you, you were gone.
The attraction was instant and obvious if I may add. We both knew it, I'll just be the one to say it. You made comments and said things someone in such a superior of a position like yours shouldn't say. We grew curious of each other. Spoke without speaking. Only talking briefly. I decided to test my limits and go only as far as you'd let me. With that said, I only spoke to you when spoken to. I no longer said hello in the mornings. I kept to myself, kept my head down and kept it moving. Often I'd catch you looking at me for no apparent reason. Sometimes you gave me a look of admiration, other times confusion. It all felt like a game of cat and mouse. I could tell I had gotten the best of your curiosity when you came up to me in the storage closet.
You came up to me asking how I had liked the job so far. I gave you a look and we both just shared a laugh. I couldn't tell which was funnier. The question or the fact you really just came entirely out of your way to ask me that. You looked so foolish. You and I both know you had no business in there. You saw me when you passed by and u-turned when you saw it. An opportunity. A chance to finally figure me out. And here we were, finally. I laughed inside the entire time you went on about music, your life back home in Miami and all too familiar questions any typical guy asks when getting to know someone. I thought it was cute honestly. You hesitated on your words sometimes. You used a lot of hand gestures. You came off as a nervous. But I loved it. Constantly looking back at the door I loved how you threw yourself out on a limb just to talk to me. Felt risky. Still one thing I questioned, your intentions.
