For Darius Khan

Subject: For Darius Khan
From: Elizabeth Ruben
Date: 27 Jul 2022

Dear Darius

You know I went to mental hospital, but I wonder if you would care if you saw why. Remember when I ran away before Music Fest? I was way worse than that.

I would run away from my parents. I didn’t trust them anymore. I thought they were going to hurt me. I ran barefoot and burnt my feet, than stood on top of an ant’s nest.

I was so confused that I thought my parents weren’t my real parents. I was so confused that I removed my clothes. I was so confused that they had to put me asleep. I can’t eat strawberry mousse anymore because they put me to sleep with fake strawberry mousse.

I don’t know if you care. I don’t know if you would care if you saw me, or if you’ll just dismiss me as a nutcase.

It brings me so much pain to recollect the messages I sent you. It hurts that you think I’m just lazy. I completely lost my sanity and all you think of me is that I’m lazy! How could you think that when I couldn’t even recognise my parents! How am I meant to focus on studying when I couldn’t speak coherently!

I’m sorry I sent you messages saying I was going to hell. It hurts that you didn’t even question why I thought that. You didnt question if I was just deluded about myself.

I’m sorry I sent stuff that was inappropriate. It’s been over a year since I last contacted you, and every day I tell myself “Darius hates me, Darius hates me Darius hates me” I tell myself that 100 times. I can’t stop caring. I’m so frightened of seeing you again and you yelling at me. I know it’s my fault but I cannot bear it!

Dad plays music by Phillip Sparke, and it makes me sad because it reminds me of how we played “Music for a Festival” at high school. I had such a nice time playing music with you, and all those happy memories have turned bitter by my mistakes!

Yours sincerely,
Elizabeth Ruben