Dear Dave,
Do you mind if I call you Dave? When I see you getting all pumped up, with no tie and sleeves rolled up, you certainly look like a Dave.
And before I forget, I must say well done on your election victory. It must feel great to be free from those tyrannical Lib Dems tying you to the centre ground. It must have been a nightmare them holding you back.
I hope I’m not being too forward either, but I’m a musician and wanted to ask a favour, if you don’t mind. I honestly think you could help the music community grow in strength, diversity and creativity.
You see, there is a problem that creators of all stripes face. It’s the problem of contentment. Contentment is a warm security blanket swaddling us, yet the tighter it wraps somehow it smoothers our creativity.
So what I want to ask is simple. Just get to work and do everything you’ve been planning to do…
Let Michael Gove strip away our Human Rights.
Let the 1922 Committee push you into dragging us out of the EU.
If Nicky Morgan could flip-flop on Gay marriage again, that would be appreciated.
Let John Whittingdale dismantle our BBC, because we clearly don’t need the nearest thing we have to balanced news.
Make sure the poorest in our society stay there, give them more bedroom tax and food banks.
Abolish maternity pay.
Slash the disability living allowance.
And make sure you kill all those ridiculous foxes in the most preposterous way you can think of. They are red, after all.
Curb freedom of speech in the name of National Security.
Remember to push through TTIP.
Don’t forget to ignore the 63% of voters who didn’t put a cross in a Tory box.
Protect that electoral system which leaves millions of voices unheard.
And have you ever thought of privatising the NHS?
Oh and forget about those pesky SNP MPs and their “mandate for Scotland”, what country wouldn’t want to be governed by career politicians 350 miles away.
And if you could fix it for Iain Duncan-Smith to chuck a disabled veteran out of a wheelchair on ‘Britain’s Got Talent’, that would be a great help as well. You know he wants to anyway, so why not let him have his fun?
Basically, I’m asking you to make us angry. You said you want to govern one nation. Well, unify us in hatred towards you, one nation against the blue. Put the fire in our bellies to create beautiful things.
Now, I know this is a big ask, you’ll be taking huge risk that those votes you bought with fear last week might push back and look for fairness, compassion, altruism and equality in the arms of another party. It’s also a risk that the Left might renew and refocus against good ole Tory you, but a generation of passionate, powerful new noise is a risk worth taking, no?
All that said, I may well be preaching to the choir here. You look like you’re on top of this already, without me having to ask.
Yours hopefully,
Daniel Stephens
