To the boy who broke my heart

Subject: To the boy who broke my heart
From: Vanessa
Date: 27 Oct 2018

I am 25 and am pretty new to dating. And I just had a fling. Not a story I can proudly share with all my friends, so it gets published here.

I've just never felt that finding and being someone was a priority. But this year, I was ready and desired to have some of the companionship, friendship, and emotional intimacy my friends shared with their boyfriends. So I joined this dating app this year.

I matched with a lot of guys but our online conversations sputtered and died. Until I met this guy who like me was also into finance and economics. He was interesting from the start but I didn't really think much of him, thinking him similar to the others. I found out he was looking for something casual as I told him I was looking to seriously date and have a boyfriend. He told me via text that he didn't think we were a match based on our expectations and since I was not really interested and just appreciated the random fun conversations, told him to remove any serious expectations.

Then he asked to meet. As I understood it, he lived nearby so it was convenient. He asked to meet after midnight, after his shift. I told him I was already in my pjs but he insisted. I went out of curiosity and the excitement of meeting someone late at night although it was nothing illicit.

His online photos showed a quite handsome face. But he wasn't quite what I expected him to be, finally meeting him. Effeminate, was my first impression of him. And based on my criteria, not really anything I would be further interested in. Handsome enough. But not the usual manly type I liked. So chill.

We talked for a bit and it was mostly him asking me about my course which he said he was in awe of. The minutes passed quickly and we went home, and he booked a grab home and I walked the short distance home.

Finally stalking him online, I realized that we had more common things in our background, and found out that he was from the same city I originated from and went to the same high school as my friends.

On and off texts for the next few days, until after the playful conversation and premise of teaching me how to flirt, we agreed on another date.

The weekend quickly came and we were supposed to watch a movie or eat at a nearby mall. I was busy the whole day so I looked forward to a chill time, although I was pretty nervous on how the date would go.

He insisted on paying for the movie, which was a horrible movie about exes and their baggages, and had extended sex scenes. This was sort of our first date, so awkward!

I wore glasses out of necessity and he told me I looked prettier without them. Also it was cold and he sort of just put his arms around me. I felt nothing but fine, we sort of cuddled because it seemed like an acceptable thing to do.

We talked some more after the movie, walked some more and talked some more until we got to a fastfood place to talk. I learned more about his work and finally confronted him about his coming from the same city, which he apparently knew about before. I questioned him why he told me he hadn't been to that city. He told me he was sure I would find out eventually. He was an interesting guy, self-deprecating too but clearly smart. We also added each other in social media.

He asked me to go to a motel. And I think this is where the downward spiral started. I told him I was not ready to have sex, under the guise that I was not on pills. He told me we can just cuddle. He also insisted it was a more private way to talk. He finally convinced me but in my mind fine, I wanted to talk more. Looking back, I realized I made the mistake of saying yes because I wanted to deepen our starting connection.

I cannot really remember everything we talked about that night, I just knew that he was someone I think I connected to at some level. To my shame now, we ended up having sex. It was not a physically pleasurable experience for me simply because it was painful. I also felt disconnected somehow because I knew that in a more logical situation, I wouldn't be kissing or having sex with one who is practically a stranger. He told me I was sexy and I felt "so good".

We didn't realize until much later that I was actually bleeding into the sheets. He sort of panicked and joked about it. He told me I was his first virgin. Afterwards, we talked some more about random things as we cuddled and had some of the earlier connection I felt and I felt relieved.

We went to eat after and talked some more. By this time I was almost non-responsive already because I didn't sleep a wink, and my logical mind had caught up with the events of the past few hours and was attacking me from all angles.

I got home and I sort of was waiting for some kind of text from him. But I didn't get any, so I texted him I was home.

There wasn't much communication in the next few days, and I figured he must be busy. In my mind, we had already been intimate so I was expecting that we'd be more intimate with our conversations as well. Naive, right?

We ended up meeting two more times after that, having sex. Now in retrospect, I realized we didn't have the deep conversations I wanted. Our conversations in between seeing each other was limited online, and were about very casual things, nothing really to know each other more. Glaringly, he didn't asked me abiut my hobbies, and showed no genuine curiosity about my thoughts and activities. He also checked out of conversations more than once. We held hands on our first date, but in our second one, didn't anymore. On our second meeting, I told him honestly I was worried because I didn't recognize this girl, I was not the type who slept around. I complained playfully that he only asked me out for sex, he told me it was his shift. I clarified if we can classify what we were doing as dating and informed hin of my prospects, and should I date these other guys? He asked me about these other guys, and I felt happy that he showed an interest. Af first he told me to date other people but that night, he asked me if maybe I not do that. On our third meeting, while he was inside me, I voiced out the question again and he told me we can go out during the weekend.

But that question and date never came.

Now, as I type the post-mortem of our non-relationship, I realize I had set myself up. We haven't known each other even a month. But I was startung to like you and be more interested in you as a person from our conversations, and I realize, how stupid. I also technically gave you permission to treat me casually by not being firm and clear about my expectations from the very beginning.

He hasn't initiated contact since our third meeting, and I feel awful, I feel ghosted. Don't I deserve a text, a hi, hello, a how are you? I gave myself to you many times but you only saw me for the warm and safe sex I represented (since he was my first). Fuck you because I even had unprotected sex with you. And now I realize that was so selfish of you.

I felt sick in between our meetings and you didn't even have the decency to ask about why exactly I was. I had an early morning meeting and you never had any initiative to call me up to make sure I would wake up even though you would be awake in those hours.

Physically you achieved your pleasure and orgasms but you never connected to me beyond that.

Hey A, I dreamed about you last night. And believe me, I tried. But I still check out if you're online and stalk your facebook all the time. I miss you. I miss being with you. I miss our kisses and your pat on my hair.

So finally for the last time, fuck you. I already unfollowed you in instagram, deleted your number and all our conversations. I didn't unfriend you in facebook yet because I didn't want to send the message that I was that affected. And fuck you all the more because maybe it's me holding on to that fragile hope that you will miss me and message me again. Or fuck you because I want you to see me having fun and a life without you and I want you to want to get in touch with me again.

I am sorry for all the cursing but realize that I can only disclose the details of my stupidity to very few people, basically no one. Some of my friends know but they haven't a clue of the extent of my naivete and pathetic expectations.

Onwards the road to healing, I ask these questions:

1. Do I really want a guy who uses you only for sex
2. Do I really want a guy who used you for your emotional vulnerability?
3. Do I really want a guy who has no decency to ask if you're home safe after you bang
4. Do I really want a guy who cares nothing for your welfare and shows 0 interest in you (other thanthe fake interest)
5. Do I really want a guy who says one thing but acts in another way?
6. Do I really want a guy who would just disappear even without a goodbye?

Come on, the honest truth would've done me more favors.

Yes clearly I have to work on knowing my worth. I am otherwise intelligent, creative, resourceful, passionate, kind, and beautiful. I am beautiful. So,

7. Do I really want a guy who doesn't see you for the beautiful human you are?

Thank you, openletter, the very act of writing this was quite cathartic. In all honesty, while I cannot be 100% over this experience just yet, I can take this all in perspective based on this post-mortem. Acknowledge it wasn't a relationship and it would never get anywhere near there. Acknowledge that yes it was not a pleasant experience but I can write it off to experience. Acknowledge that you cannot depend on someone who is emotionally crippled towards you.

Acknowledge that I have to move on. While it was fast and thrilling while it lasted, it was just 27 days after all. 27 days in all the years of this beautiful life. Nothing really to what still awaits me. And perhaps someday, a speck in all the years of being with the guy who will appreciate and love me as I am me.