To the Boy I Can't Let Go

Subject: To the Boy I Can't Let Go
From: A Girl in Love with the Past
Date: 6 Dec 2015

My Prince Charming,

I met you and discovered love at first sight. Talking to you made my heart ache and skip beats. Your smile brought tears to my eyes and I knew that I had found something special. I broke so many rules for you, chased you as best I could. I knew you felt the same way. We would talk for hours on end, so interested in each other. I had recently come out of bad relationship and you helped to mend that hole in my heart. In my previous relationship, my love was taken for granted and abused. I knew that you were so different; you even realized that I always waited until you said goodnight because I never wanted to be the first to end our conversation.

You were so special, you admired parts of me that I didn't know I had. You made me feel so loved, sent me the sweetest good morning texts and spent nights with me over Skype. Distance was never an issue. We were so similar; curious, thoughtful, intelligent, kind, I thought I had found the one.

We made small traditions, little rituals that declared our love for each other. Never baby or babe, always darling or dear. Sweet dreams, sleep well, sleep tight, don't let the bed bugs bite. Our small displays of affection.

It has been a wonderful and irreplaceable 2 and a half years with you. I have grown and matured with you, shared so many milestones with you. And still, when I see you, I can't take my eyes off you because you are always the most important object in sight. And now you look at me and ask, "Why do you keep staring at me?"

You have discovered late nights out, occasional intoxications, and the joy of "freedom." You have forgotten your love to learn and embraced your lack of commitment and planning. Watching a show together and conversing with me became a "wasted night." I am helpless.

I wait hours for you to come home in hopes that you will call me. I worry for your safety and you claim I am becoming your mother. I shed tears over that fact that you admit my needs are making me a chore in your eyes. I endure this in hopes that the love of my life will once again emerge from what is now a shell of him.

The sweet texts are long gone, the thoughtful considerations deemed unnecessary, the love in your eyes seems to have disappeared. Yet, when I prod you to apply more effort to our relationship, you tell me you really do love me.

I look at you and still see the boy I fell in love with: the only boy who has ever fought for my love. Now there stands a man in front of me, with a distinct change in priorities and I stay in hopes that the boy I love will come back.

Recently, I got annoyed at you because you wouldn't say sweet dreams, a petty anger, I know. However, you responded with "it's too much effort," and now I don't know what to do with myself. Suddenly, our relationship has come into perspective. While I would wait hours to hear your voice, my happiness isn't worth two words out of your mouth. You told me, "I find these things unnecessary," and I didn't have a response. How am I supposed to articulate to you that those two words are important to me, we've been saying them from the very beginning? Our little rituals of affection are slowly dying from your lack of effort. No longer do I hear you say you love me or miss me out of your own accord.

I am in a new place, living a brand new life, working towards my future, yet you are the past I have clung to. It pains me to think that two words of your time is too much, especially since I've told you that it is what makes me happy. My happiness is now taking second place to your habits. You tell me you're too tired to talk to me, I wonder if it has anything to do with the fact you enjoy staying out with your friends until three AM, daily.

The future is a scary place for you, so you don't think about it. However, I am moving towards my future and I can't bear to think that you might not be joining me. I want our relationship to last, to bear this test of wills but I keep getting hurt.

I am waiting, waiting for you to realize that your lack of effort is hurting me, waiting for you to realize that your bad habits can't be your life. I am waiting, waiting, waiting, and hurting, hurting, hurting but still I can't let go. There is hope in my heart that one day that sweet thoughtful boy will emerge and finally think about me again.

I am so lost with no path to guide me to happiness. I hope one day, you can understand my actions and the depth of my love for you.

Until then, I will suffer.