I have been pondering about doing this for a really long time. In fact, when I liked this page several months ago (I think), it was for the express intention of doing the same. But I never had the courage to do it. Because I was ashamed of what I did, I guess. But then I realised, if you guys showed the remarkable courage that you did when I was hanging on the precipice of death, the least I can do is return the favour.
I do not know how many of you know even now, but I have this thing called Borderline Personality Disorder. It kind of sucks. You take bipolar disorder, you remove the manic episodes, and you replace them with even more depressive episodes and paranoia, a fuckload of paranoia, and you get BPD. It is not very nice. Depression is one of its symptoms, and boy was my depression serious. It got me to attempt to commit suicide multiple times. I hope we reach a place one day where we are as aware and cognizant of what depression does as we are of common cold right now.
Thing is, people speak of passive smoking, which is absolutely a thing, and a terrible thing. But no one speaks of what I call passive depression, which in my opinion is just as harmful. It is what happens when a friend suffers from depression or a mental health disorder, and you, because you are nice, carding people who love your friend, try to help them and step into the blast zone. It causes misery, hurt, confusion, damage to self-esteem, and so many other things. It hurts a lot. It is what I caused you.
There is no language, no vocabulary in the world which can help me adequately express how utterly sorry I am that I caused that to you. I loved - and love - you guys. It was never my intention, and it horrifies me that I did that. But I did, and there is no escaping that. And I am really, really sorry.
I am sorry that not only did I not realise that I was hurting you guys, I actually had the temerity to think that you guys were not true friends. I want to say right now, absolutely unequivocally, that you guys were brilliant, awesome friends. Much much better friends than I was to you. Oh, I would help you, and I would act extremely selflessly for you...as long as you guys wanted the kind of help I could and wanted to offer. The second you said "I appreciate this, but that is not what I need right now. Please do this instead.", in my paranoia, and my self-loathing and lack of self-esteem, I would construe that as you not liking me or wanting me or appreciating me, and I would fly off the handle, and make everything about myself instead of being the quiet pillar of support you needed me to be, and for that, I am truly sorry. I had a very dysfunctional sense of what friendship was, and I was also very hypocritical about it, because I did not apply the same rules to myself. For that, I am really, really sorry. I was a horrible friend, while labouring under the megalomaniacal delusion that I was a great one. No, I was not. Because I only supported and helped you when you wanted the exact kind of support that I thought was the right one; because, in my fucked-up, depressed, self-loathing mind, I did not even realise that you could love me and appreciate me without wanting that kind of support from me. I was simply not in a fit position to realise that. To put it more bluntly and harshly, I was too self-absorbed, too self-obsessed, to realise that. And I am sorry.
I am so sorry for having suck a fucked-up, Bollywood-esque Jai-Veeru notion of what a friendship is supposed to be. I know better now. The point of friendship is to always support you, always make you feel lighter or happier, without being high-maintenance or emotionally heavy about it. And that was my bad. I am sorry for putting you through a world of hurt without even realising it, all because I would make literally everything about me without even realising it.
I am sorry for putting my insecurity, paranoia, self-loathing on you, and making them your problem as well. BPD and depression are the kind of things that can make you do that without realising it, because honestly, you lose your cognitive abilities and you just stop thinking rationally. No, scratch that; you just stop thinking anything apart from vicious circular thoughts about how no one likes you, everyone hates you, and how the world would be a much better place if you killed yourself. These are terrible thoughts to have, and the fact that I passed some of its awfulness to you is disgusting and horrible, and for that, I am really sorry. Of course I did not intend to do it. I had no idea I was doing this. I had no idea I was doing anything; I had stopped thinking. But intent does not erase effect. What matters is not what I was thinking or not thinking, or what my intentions were. The only thing that matters is that I passed these to you, I hurt you by doing this, and made you a part of my fucked-up brain, something you never asked for.
I am sorry that even when I tried to apologise to you, I still made it all about myself. Yes, I felt terrible because I knew I had hurt you, although as I said, I did not realise why or how or what exactly happened. But my apology was less trying to make you feel better or doing right by you, and more to assuage my guilt and reassure myself that I was not a terrible person. By doing this, I essentially did what hurt you in the first place. I placed no considerations for your feelings, and I did not do my best to make you feel better. Instead, I, the self-obsessed jerk that I was then, tried to use you and my apology as a means to feel better about myself. My thought process was not "I hurt these wonderful people, so I owe them an apology, and should do whatever they need to help them feel better" Instead, my thought process was "I hurt these wonderful people. Does this mean I am a terrible person? Oh God no, please do not say I am a terrible person! I must apologise to them. If they forgive me and become friends again, it would mean I am not a terrible person." Again, making everything about myself. The fact that I, yet again, did not realise that this is what I was doing, and that I had no ability to process my actions or my emotions does not change the fact that I subjected you to this, and actually did this. For that, I am unequivocally, unqualifiedly, terribly sorry.
I also want to thank you. Depression and mental disorders are terrible things, and as I said, I hope we gain more awareness about them and how to combat them over time. But I was guilty of not understanding them myself. Instead of treating it as an awful, terrible thing that is, I unintentionally romanticised them. Instead of taking responsibility for my actions and trying my best to combat my illness and get better to the best of my ability, I instead chose to listen to Mirza Ghalib and Eminem and every sad "woe is me" song, and chose to wallow in self-ity and constantly think "Oh golly gee, my life is so terrible." This is a template for an abusive person who abuses people they love, and then actually feels terrible for themselves instead of the victim, and while I did not - at least in my opinion - did not abuse you that way, my behaviour was still cut from the same cloth, and I am so thankful you did not stand for that crap and instead asked me to get better. I am much better now, an am the happiest I have been in years, and am pretty proud of myself for reaching this far, but it would be remiss of me not to give the lion's share of the credit to you. From begging me to seek help and seeing a counselor to saying "Fuck it, not going to stand for this. Get better. I cannot handle this. It is too much work.", you guys forced me to get help and get better, and I am really thankful for that. Because what I initially wanted from you was not going to help me. It was just going to enable me and my actions, and actually send me further down the rabbit-hole. And for that, I am truly thankful.
I am sorry that the whole reason I got better and took control of my life was because I hurt you so bad without even realising it that despite your best best efforts and patience, you could not stand for it and forced me to realise I fucked up and take responsibility. I am sorry it took me so long to take responsibility for my actions, and I am sorry that the entire reason I discovered I had a problem - I was diagnosed with BPD after years of going to every psychiatrist I could find - was because I hurt you guys so bad, I could not turn a blind eye to it, and had to accept that while I was not a bad person, my condition and health were making me do very bad things without even realising it, and I needed to do something about that. I am sorry I was a terrible friend. You guys did not deserve it. You deserved much more, much better than that. I am sorry I did not realise it until it was too late and I had already hurt you. I am sorry I was a self-loathing jerk who was so self-absorbed that he did not even realise he was putting all of you through a ton of hurt while somehow feeling so sorry for himself.
Thank you for refusing to enable my behaviour. Thank you for being responsible for me becoming much better and, eventually happy. Thank you for making me a much better person. Thank you because I do not loathe myself any more. Thank you because I no longer either try to kill myself or even consciously entertain that thought. Thank you for being such awesome, beautiful people, and such brilliant friends. It was more than I deserved and could have asked for. You guys are awesome, and are absolutely brilliant You helped to save a person's life. You stopped a family from being torn apart. Thank you so, so, so much.
I have no expectations from this letter beyond just hoping that you read it, and you know I am truly grateful for everything. Thank you so much.
Note - In this letter, "guys" means guys and a girl. In fact, the girl deserves my apology and gratitude perhaps more than anyone else. Thanks, and sorry I was a terrible friend. The freaking out and going underground and switching off my phone after talking about how I really want to kill myself while being alone in a new, strange city was my fault. That was downright abusive, and I am sorry I was too depressed, too self-centred, too immersed in myself and self-loathing to even understand that, let alone appreciate that. This is 2.75 years too late, and I am sorry for being too self-absorbed and cowardly to be so late. Thank you for everything.
