Dear J,
I've tried to write this letter multiple times, and every time, it seems that I either write the longest summary of our relationship that is not necessary, or I just ramble on and never get to finishing the letter.
See, here's the thing
In the year that i've gotten to know you, I wouldn't take back anything
In previous efforts of trying to write this letter, i've focused a lot more on how you hurt me, on how, at times, you made me feel useless, unworthy and unwanted. But, if i'm being honest, I already made myself feel like that a lot of the time. I think you just helped elevate the feelings.
I don't regret the time I spent with you, or the time I spent thinking about you, even though it definitely could have been spent better thinking about something else, because I needed to do that for myself.
No matter what anybody tells you in life, sometimes you have to learn the lessons the hard way.
I once heard that no relationship in life is a mistake, either it's a lesson or it's love.
I feel like you have been once more proof of that statement in my life.
You weren't love, I never loved you. I liked you. I liked you a lot. But, I never even got to know you well enough to possibly come close to loving you.
Just like every other boy that has come into my life so far, you were a lesson. One that I have only recently realized I needed. One that I believe came at the time when I needed it most.
You see, in the year that we have come to know each other, it has been a rollercoaster of emotions. There were times when you made me feel like the happiest girl in the world and other times when you lead my mind to some incredibly dark places.
But, I don't blame you
I hope you know that
In my heart of hearts, I hope that if you know you hurt me, which I think somewhere deep down inside, you know that you did, I hope that you know that I have forgiven you.
I know that you didn't do it on purpose. I don't think you are a bad person. I don't think you had malicious intent, or sat alone at night thinking of how best to torture me.
I think you were just confused yourself. I think you are still confused.
If there's anything I have learned about you, it is that, for somebody who is so good at talking to other people, you are not the best at communicating when it really means something.
I don't think you know what you want, and I don't think that's a bad thing. After all, we are still seniors in high school who are simply trying to figure our way through life. I know we are both doing our best, and that's all we can ask of each other.
I know that I wasn't perfect, and I know I probably hurt you in the process of dealing with how you hurt me. I think i've hurt a lot of people that I never meant to.
And so, sincerely, if I ever hurt you, I hope you can forgive me.
For a long time, I was scared to let you go, because I had gotten so used to thinking about you all the time, that it became hard for me to imagine my life without you.
But now, as I truly come upon my last month of high school, the last 18 days I will ever spend in this place with you, I have realized that you have given me one of the greatest gifts anybody has ever given me.
You taught me something I will carry with me all my life
And sure, I'll still mess up, and i'll probably still mess up a lot, because I like to see the best in people. I think you of anybody would know that I give people all the chances in the world, and that my eternal optimism will always allow me to look at the best possible scenario that life could bring me.
But, I like that about myself. I never want to turn cynical or cold because of how people have treated me. Especially when I realize I have been the same way to so many other people in life.
You have taught me that I don't need anyone to complete me.
In the past few days, I feel like i've had a shift in mindset.
When once, I couldn't imagine my life without you consistently in it, I now realize that my life without you will be filled with peace, happiness and freedom that I have not felt in a long time.
I hope I helped teach you something.
I hope that the time I spent in your life taught you something of value as well.
And, I hope above all else, that you come to understand that you deserve so much more credit and happiness than you believe you do.
I know that you try hard in life to hide your insecurities and not let others know that you struggle.
I hope you know that you don't have to hide that.
You are an amazing person.
You have a great future ahead of you.
And you deserve all the happiness in the world.
Just separate from me.
You complicated my life, but you also made so many things more clear, and for that, I can't thank you enough.
Love,
H
