I can hear our conversation replay over and over again. Hearing it play in your voice; the voice I love. It was so unexpected. Hearing you say things so painful. I had only ever heard or imagined happiness, hope, and potential come out of your mouth. From the voice I love. Instead, as I walked into your house, following closely behind you, I knew that was all about to change.
For the first time since the day I met you, I didn’t know if we would be able to get through this. You walked into the kitchen, tossed your phone and keys on the counter and reached for the cupboard above the sink. I don’t know if you actually wanted water or if you were just looking for ways to expel some of the nervous energy that was making the air in the room unbearably thick. There was uncertainty buzzing around like electricity. There was so much that needed to be said but neither one of us wanted to start.
You placed both of your hands on the counter in front of you and dropped your head. I knew that, since I was the one to demand answers in the first place, I needed to be the one to break the silence. And yes, there was a right and a wrong way to break the silence. I broke the silence wrong. I asked you how your day was going. I knew the answer was going to be something along the lines of terrible but your answer one-upped my assumption. Your work day was more of a challenge than a normal Monday should have been. You had been distracted. Tired. Stress. Worried. So many emotions building in your mind.
You looked me in the eyes, waiting for me to ask the question we were both dreading. You said, “You’ve already been crying.” I never tried to hide that from you. Earlier that day, you told me you no longer wanted us to be together. I spent the first two hours of my day, sitting on my bed, crying harder than I ever thought possible. Finally, I knew I couldn’t push off the inevitable any longer.
“Why?” I looked you directly in the eyes. The eyes I had spent a year falling in love with, again and again. But I took the plunge. I asked the question, knowing I could never really prepare myself for your response.
I saw your exhaustion. Your stress. You sighed and began your explanation. You said “That’s all I have been thinking about all day. ‘Why?’” I was terrified, but I was trying so hard to hold onto hope. Your voice sounded so hopeless and I didn’t know if I had enough hope for the both of us. I just stared at you, waiting, for your explanation. I was scared, but I just needed your answers.
You had built an argument throughout your day. You came up with reasons you believed we should no longer be together. You had three distinct reasons, and with each reason you gave me, I felt my heart break more and more. I was just hoping you would run out of reasons before my heart shattered into a million reasons.
The first reason you gave me was that I deserved better. That I deserved someone who made me, not their goals and hobbies, their first priority. I understood why you might think that but I noticed two important pieces of that reason that you overlooked. You forgot that I don’t care if I’m your first priority. Your third priority. Your tenth priority. I don’t care. I never asked to be your priority. I just wanted to be a part of your life. Your priorities make you who you are and there isn’t a single part of your character that I would want to change. You also forgot that you don’t get to decide who I deserve. I get to decide who makes me happy. I decided to love you and it wasn’t up to you to tell me that I no longer did.
The second reason you gave me was that you no longer wanted to deal with the hassle and stress of a long-distance relationship. We had always been a little lucky in that regard. Our version of long-distance consisted of roughly eighty miles and we usually were able to see each other every weekend. While I understood your frustration, I felt like were forgetting something important. I was set to move very soon. I was moving somewhere that was seventy-four miles closer to you. Six miles was going to be our new distance in only two weeks. I really believed that we shouldn’t give up because of distance with a possible solution so near. So, I informed you of this. Somehow, I was still holding on to hope because you were listening to my reasons. You accepted my reasons, my views on the matter, without question.
The third reason you gave me felt like a stretch. I had already shut down your first two reasons and when you told me we were too different to be together. That’s when I really started losing hope. You were searching for reasons. Reasons we shouldn’t be together anymore. There was only one reason I was willing to accept at this point. The only thing you could say that would make me turn and walk out the door, the way you wanted me to, was if you told me you didn’t love me anymore. But you didn’t. You said that we were too different. Since day one, we had always been different. I liked you because you were different. You make me try new things. You force me to do things that I would never do because you give me the courage to do so. I’ve learned so much with you and because of you. You have only ever made a positive impact on my life with your presence because we are different.
You were running out of reasons. I could tell. When I asked you reasons that morning, you went out looking for reasons. I had asked you for a simple “yes” or “no” answer. Yes, you wanted to keep trying. Yes, you wanted to stay together. Yes, you could still be happy with me. Or no. No, you couldn’t be happy. No, you wouldn’t keep trying. No, you didn’t want to be together. All day, your answer had been “no.” No. No. No. No. No. You never asked me for my answer. It was probably obvious since I was standing in front of you, fighting to understand your answer and reasons.
You gave me your reasons and I gave you this: “I knew my answer when I asked the question. I knew how I felt and what I wanted. I wanted you. To be a part of your life. To be happy with you and make you happy.” I knew what I said made an impact on you. I could hear your voice break. Saw moisture in your eyes. Could feel the fear I had felt all day radiate off you now. I’d defended my own answers and reasons and it was finally time for your final decision. Yes or no?
I was shaking. I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t look away from your beautiful, kind eyes. You took half a shaky breath and croaked out a small “yes.” The next think I knew, you were in front of me. Your arms around me. I collapsed into you. You held onto me so tight that I could feel your heart beat and your muscles shake. Your breaths were heaving. Tears were slowly falling as you held you cheek to the top of my head. All the emotions of the day were finally hitting you all the ways they had been crashing over me all day.
I refused to let go of you. I think you felt the same way. I almost lost you and if I let you go, there was a miniscule chance of leaving me again. I wasn’t ready for that. I love you. I want to be a part of your life, and in return, I hope you would want to be a part of mine. I want to see you when I can. I want to hear your voice because it’s the most comforting thing I’ve ever heard. I want to know about your day at work. I want to see your smile and hear your laugh. I want you and I feel incredibly lucky to know we still have a chance to see where this goes. To see where we can go.
