Dear C,
I won't ever forget the day I gave you that hickey. We had music playing in the back, my bedsheets were flying off the mattress and your heart was completely and utterly beating out of your chest. That was a moment for me, a moment that just made me want to kiss you. How could I ruin my friendship with you like that, though? The only reason you wanted the hickey was to show off to the guy you liked. It had nothing to do with me, but it broke my heart once more.
I've never been the best at love and you know this. I always hurt people. I finally figured out why I do this. My first love was you, Cheyann. I was completely and utterly falling in love with you. You broke my heart and maybe it was for the best, but after that day I couldn't seem to let my guard down to potential partners. I always broke their hearts first just so that they couldn't harm mine.
You know that person, you just want to know every little detail about because their soul and their heart is the most beautiful thing in the word to you? That's always been you. I'm in love with you. And, maybe it's not even an actual romantic kind of love. But, I'm in love with your thoughts. You're the person I think of at 3 am when no ones awake and I'm all alone. You're also the person I think of when it's 3 pm and I'm busy and the only escape I have is thinking of you.
I don't know what I want from you so please don't ask me. I don't like dating but I don't like friends with benefits because it could never sustain the fact that I would want more, always. I guess if I wanted one thing it would be for you to love my soul too. But, that's way too much to ask of you, I know.
I'm not sure what kind of love it is. I don't know if it's the kind where we're together forever or the kind that slowly fades into lust. I know one thing for sure. It's the kind where I want nothing more than you. Constantly, just you.
I tell you I love you every time we hang up the phone, but maybe one day you'll actually understand what that means.
All my love,
Your best friend,,
Elliot
