A heart will do some crazy things that go beyond what's morally right or wrong. A heart won't care about the consequences of its feelings. A heart just feels. You can't always come up with a rhyme or reason for why your heart falls for someone so shitty. Just like you can't always explain why your heart just isn't into it with someone else that's so great. The heart is so unpredictable. So when I fell for you, I didn't feel guilty for very long about the way I felt. My heart couldn't have picked out anybody better to fall for. Your blue eyes are so comforting, and your smile will light them up brighter than anything else I've ever seen. And the more we talked, the more I realized your personality tied it all together. That's a beautiful thing when it all comes together. My heart just forgot to consider one thing... you have been, and always were with someone else ever since I've known you.
It hasn't always been easy... in fact... it's never really been easy. My conscience was telling me from the get-go that you were gonna give me trouble, but I thought that everything would stay under control. To be fair... I haven't done anything reckless or thoughtless yet to my knowledge... but to say I'm under control right now is definitely untrue. I'm a mess that's trying to pretend that he isn't. A tornado trying to prevent damages. A tower in Pisa trying to straighten itself out. I feel like I will inevitably be a problem one day.
When your boyfriend was busted for a DUI, you needed a friend. I was at least one of the friends you needed. Because of that, I learned that this wasn't his first DUI. Because of that, I learned that this wasn't the first time he's relapsed since he's been with you. And because of that, I got an invite to a BBQ you were gonna be at. How could I say no?
I knew what I was getting into when I picked you up for this BBQ. I was obviously just the guy that was filling a void. Though, there was no way of knowing just how great that night was going to be. The BBQ itself was great. We had fun playing volleyball, and making new friends while we were there. The biggest selling point though came after the BBQ was over, in the car while I drove you back home.
I never connected with someone more than I did on that ride home. There was not a dull moment at any point during that 30 minute trip back to your place. I never knew two people could talk to each other that passionately. We were borderline shouting at each other at times because of how high the emotions were at that point in the night. Then you snatched my phone and started playing all the good songs on my Spotify Playlist before I could even tell you what I thought the 'good ones' were.
I guess in short... to me, the amount of chemistry we had was impossible to forget. But I've had to. Once your boyfriend did his time, and got through his mandatory rehab, it was back to the way life was before... only just a bit harder. You two are still coming off as cute as you guys ever were to those around you. I see the different way you talk to him than you do anybody else. It all reminds me about what I led this letter off with. Hearts love who they love. They don't care about the consequences. Everyone can see the good, but everyone can see the bad too... well... except for you. But that's okay... I know how that goes. Your heart stares past the more-frequent fights like my heart stares past the damage it's putting on itself by staying involved. I know how the heart works... I don't blame you for a thing. You love who you love, no matter how wrong it feels to someone else.
The way I feel about you does not give me an excuse to tell you this directly. I don't know why, but you're happy just the way you are. Who am I to put a hole through that? Who am I to criticize who your heart fell for when mine fell for someone else's girlfriend?
They say that you don't always marry who your meant to be with. At this point, I'm trying to decide if it's a blessing or a burden to have gotten a taste of what life would've been like with someone I truly felt like was right for me. Even if it was only a BBQ and a memorable drive home. Knowing what feels to be with the right one keeps you driven... but you may never find something like that again. You could say that what I'm saying right now is so premature for someone I haven't even dated... but I've felt young love. This ain't it.
One day, one of us will have to go against our hearts desires. I don't think the odds are in my favor, but lemme just say... I hope it's you. I'd never push you to that, but I hope figure out one day that your heart is more wrong than mine is. But until then... you're such a good friend to me.
