I’m compelled to write this, 15 minutes past midnight during the last week of classes in my first semester of my freshman year of college. I should be sleeping, or studying, but instead I’m writing.
I suppose I should start off with thank you. For I don’t think you fully understand what you’ve done for me up until this point. We met a day after my 18th birthday, and have been close to each other since. Since that night, my grandmother has passed away, a close friend has passed away, I’ve suffered a hitch in my anxiety, made and lost friends, and stressed myself out more than I have in a very long time. I don’t think I would've been able to handle this without you. You have held my hand, kissed my cheek and told me repeatedly, “it’s going to be okay,” and as much as I berate you for saying it so much, the amount that you have has kept my two feet on the ground and stitched me back into the sanity that I thought I had lost.
You are so hard on yourself. I know you’ve had trouble in the past, and you’ve made mistakes in the present. We will not forgive or forget the night you almost broke my heart, and it is still mending from the crack you chipped in it. But your ability to come to me immediately and come clean about the situation, about how stupid you may have been, helped not to shatter me and helped to keep us together. I remember a few nights after we met, when you told me you were scared to start a relationship because you might “fuck it up” and I told you, if you make a mistake, we will talk about it. Just you and me. Your trust in our ability to do that is what saved us, and I cannot thank you enough for trusting in me enough to calmly discuss what happened, and how we might fix the situation.
That was the night you told me you thought you might be falling in love with me. Admittedly, I’m still terrified of the prospect. I know that I like you, and I know that I could see myself falling in love with you, but at the time we had only been together for two months, and I wasn’t quite sure about love. After many of the relationships i’ve been in, I don’t even know if I know what love feels like, at least in the romantic sense. I love my family, and I love my friends, but using the word love with you is still something that I don’t know if I’m ready to do yet. Why were you so ready to say it that night? And how long will it be until you’re sure of how you feel? I think about this a lot lately. The idea of being loved by someone who I’m not ready to completely love back makes me very sad. It feels mean, to hold on to somebody who feels so strong towards me when I don’t even know if I feel the same yet. I will never lie to you, so I will never claim to love you before I know. I’m sorry, but I expect the same from you.
Regardless, I like you. I know I say it a lot, and I know I might show it a lot. You’ve called me “too clingy” before, but for someone who aches for constant reassurance, it’s my way of making sure I’m not making a mistake with you. I’m sorry if it annoys you, and your roommates, but it’s just me, and the best part about me is that theres nobody else in the world exactly like me. I’ve asked you before why you like me, and you’ve told me something along those lines. I trust that together neither of us will ever pretend to be someone that we aren’t. I never have with you, and I never will.
I want you to know, that you are lucky to have me. It may seem conceited to say, but I am someone who you should hold dear. I will always do my best to take care of you, to be right at your side through anything. I am strong, independent, and beautiful. You should be aware of this.
I want you to know, that I am lucky to have you. You are smart, caring, charismatic and fun. You have grounded me in the months that we’ve known each other, and you have helped me grow. I trust you, I like you, and I believe that together we are strong. I hope you feel the same.
So thank you, for everything. I really do hope we can make this last.
