I have known you for almost four years and yet I’ve so long until I may feel worthy enough to speak to you. The amount of times we have spoken I can count on one hand as there are more fingers then I have conversations with you. I remember my first time speaking to you and yet none of will count as a conversation as it has always lasted around a few mere seconds.
It was my freshman year of high school in Mr. Barringers class. I remember having seen you first as I walked into class and you were laughing, it was the most amazing laugh I’ve ever witnessed. The way your laugh seemed to echo through the room as if to say that yes it was you that was so happy, that it was you that would change my world for the better. As the days went by I was falling deeper and deeper for you. As I had spent every day in class distracted by your beauty, I lacked the attention to do well in class as I could not focus on the teacher. However on one fateful day, the song of the day happened to be by Of Monsters and Men (which until today I listen to so that I can be motivated to keep moving forward) and you asked me if the song was from a TV show. That was the single hardest question I’ve ever had and I never knew the answer, to this day I still don’t.
I wonder if you remember all the times we’ve spoken as clearly as I do. Maybe I only remember the way I do because I worked so hard to even be able to look at you. I don’t think I will ever feel worthy of you.
The second time I spoke to you, that I will count, was my junior year when you asked me how I cook sardines. I answered by confirming that I cook my sardines the same way you do. I have never eaten sardines nor do I have any idea as to how to even cook them. I’ve yet to even try sardines, but if it takes me eating some small fish for us to finally speak, then I will know it had been worth it.
I took so long to work up the courage to feel that I could speak to you at all. I remember having been extremely self conscience about who I was, so much that I worked hard everyday so that I could be in great physical performance so that maybe just maybe you would find me attractive. I played soccer almost every day so that I could be something, anything, that you would be interested in. I took advanced classes so that I may be able to be at your level. You are not only the most beautiful woman I’ve seen, but also the smartest I know. At times I wonder if there’s anything you can’t do. And at other times I wonder if there’s anything I could do to be able to see you as a person and not a goddess.
The only time I’ve felt failure, true failure, was my junior year. I had a seat right in front of you for nine months. For those nine months I never spoke to you. Not once. I remember one time I saw an empty seat next to you because Emily wasn’t there. I debated whether I should sit next to you or not. Of course I didn’t and I of course didn’t even say a word. Whats crazy is that even though I never said anything, I thought so much. I had thoughts of the dumbest things like what I would say to you if I had a chance to speak to you at all, to just be able to tell you something as simple as “Hi”. I never once said “Hi” while in that class. I never even turned around other than to talk to Emily yet when you arrived to class I would immediately turn around to face the front. I did this because I was not only shy but I was extremely embarrassed to look like myself when you were the definition of beauty. I didn’t feel like I was handsome or worth your time so I looked away so that you wouldn’t have to drop so low that you would see such a low being. A lump of disappointment. I really wish you never took it in a way to seem as if I had something against you or that perhaps I was implying that I was better than you. I would like to clarify right now that I am nowhere near your level and I in no way feel as if I will ever be better than yourself. You are the very essence of what it means to be a woman. A strong, independent, smart, beautiful, woman who has more knowledge and power on the tip of your gorgeous hair than I do in my entire pudgy body.
After that school year I felt so disappointed in myself that I admittedly gained weight as a punishment to myself as well as having grown facial hair. I felt that if I was going to be a sad sap I might as well be a disgusting one at that. I felt like the world had ended for me and I fell into a deep depression. Not because I was so love sick but because I was planning three years to be able to do something that would help me feel accomplished for once. I had failed in doing so and because of that I had failed myself. The only thing that saddened me was that I was not able to speak to you about how I felt.
After the summer ended I decided to give myself another chance, and as I tried I felt that there was something missing, something that wasn’t letting me fully be who I was destined to be. Then the third and final time happened.
I was having possibly the worst day in terms of my depression when I was walking to my car after school. The parking lot was empty except about five cars extremely separated from each other as well as a guy who was driving off. As I slowly walked to my car I saw someone walking towards me. I didn’t realize it was you until you asked me what my modest proposal was. I had forgotten that the shirt I was wearing was the same one that we had made in that class we had the year before. I laughed the most sincere laugh I had ever done for a long time. You had done it. You had made me happy for a brief second, you had given me hope. I remember us talking about how you had recently spoken to our teacher from that class about college essays, and how you were getting learning about the new software for applying to colleges. I asked you about it and we spoke for about a minute or two. Then ass you were about to leave I asked you a question about how to use the software and you explained it to me and we spent about one minute on the topic before I went quiet and sat in my car. I looked at you walking away and I replayed the whole scenario in my head once more. You waved high to me and I stupidly flung my hand up high unable to control my own body to even wave hello. You told me about our teacher and I remembered all the times I could’ve spoken to you. We started talking about the software and all I could do was stare into your eyes, those deep emerald green eyes. They reminded me of the wizard of Oz as the emerald city was the promised land where dreams come true. I noticed the wind blowing against your hair ever so slightly that it seemed to flow perfectly. You smiled as you spoke and it warmed my heart. I was no longer self conscious as you smiling made me feel like the king of the world. I smile just writing about this. Your freckles made you the most beautiful woman ever as they seemed to shine with the sun giving off a warmth that seemed to bring the fall weather back into mid July when the sun shone so bright, it almost compared to your smile. After you left I sat in my car and thought about what happened and that I was such an idiot to not take that opportunity to speak to you about my feelings. Yet I now feel that it was for the best as I do not wish to burden you with my self. I also happened to have wondered why I hadn’t given you a ride to your car or wherever it was you walked to. I couldn’t look for fear that maybe it was with someone that could make you happy. And yet I hoped it was to someone that could give you the happiness that you deserve. I now write this as a way of saying thank you for motivating me to be myself and to smile once in awhile. I now have started working out again and have also begun playing soccer. I just wanted to write this in hope that maybe, one day, I will be able to show you this and we can smile. Or at least tell you “Hi”.
