You. My girl. My love. My everything.
What a rollercoaster this has been. To you, it hasn't been long but for me it has been months and months of this up and down. I will never forget the day I fell in love with you. I knew from that moment on that there was nobody else in this world that I wanted my life spent with.
But one major thing stood in our way. Actually two things. The first thing was me. I was to terrified to say anything to you. I didn't want to lose my best friend. The woman who some how made all ends of my life peaceful. The second thing was you. You and your label of 'Straight'. You were so persistent on making sure everyone knew you where only into men, never a woman. You actually were 'talking' to some guy. Some guy who kept you on a leash and let you stray but when you got to far, he pulled you back, made you fall in love again and then push you away again. Only to repeat this process, countless times. I vividly remember you sitting in the car one evening with me and you cried because of what he was doing to you. I just remember wanting to do nothing but to wrap you in my arms and hold you. To kiss you and tell you that everything was going to be okay, that I was there and wouldn't leave... But instead I just sat there in the drivers seat, helpless, while the girl I was falling in love with was emotionally beaten down.
Months passed and with each passing day, I fell more and more in love with you. You eventually let that douche bag go but something was still missing from your life. I could see it. I could feel it. You would talk to me endlessly about how you want kids, a family, a house, all those things and it broke my heart everyday. I knew I wanted to and could give you those things for the rest of your life but again, I kept quiet because I couldn't lose my best friend. I even jokingly asked you what you would do if I told you I was in love with you, your response crushed me. When you told me that we might not be friends anymore, I sucked up every single bit of my feelings and told myself that I never have a chance and never will be with you, so I needed to get over it and move on.
So began a long few months of random sex with random women who I never wanted to see again. I was sleeping with women who were nothing compared to you. I was chasing something I never thought I would obtain. Until one night, you decided that you were going to let loose and drink a little too much. Our texting conversation changed quickly. You gained a little bit of liquid courage and basically told me that you would have sex with me.
From that text on, doors opened. Remember the first time we kissed? The memory would be gut wrenching for anyone else but to us it is comical. Neither of us knew exactly what to do in that moment so it was awkward and weird. Things slowly moved forward and I remember the first time we had sex. What I remember most is you telling me that being friends with benefits never works, someone always catches feelings. I laughed in my head because I already had feelings for you. But I got a little upset because you told me that you were not capable of having feelings for me, that I was the one who needed to be careful. I swallowed my feelings and we kept up this FWB for almost six months.
Finally I decided to just tell you and I did. I told you everything. Every feeling I had, because I couldn't hide it anymore. I fully braced myself for you to abandon me and I would never see you again but to my surprise, you didn't go anywhere. Nothing changed. Our FWB thing was stronger than ever. A month or so drug on and finally I basically begged you to give me a chance and to my surprise you told me yes.
Now here we are and I am slowly learning all of these things about you, these things that your past relationships has burned into your head. Things that break my heart. The biggest thing is that you have been taught, time and time again that it is okay not to be loved but in a relationship. I realize that none of the past men you have been with have showed you an kind of love and in your head you have some how made that okay.
It is so hard for me to ever be upset with you because I can see in your eyes that you are scared I will leave you or hurt you. Baby just because I get upset, doesn't mean I will leave you. I have fought like hell for you and I am never giving you up. I could be so annoyed and upset with you but I will not love you one single bit less. I will love you from now to the end of time. I will catch you every time you fall I will hold you tight when you are upset, be your shoulder to cry on, your punching bag when the world is to much. I will be your lover, your best friend, you better/worst half.
I am ready to bear this storm we call life, but only if you are at my side. We will do this one day at a time and each day you will learn what it means to be loved, wanted and appreciated. Without you baby, I would be nothing. I will spend forever doing what I have to for you. Mentally and emotionally we click. We work. Physically, we are one and in time we will become so much more than that because, honey, we have all the time in the world.
I am not like your past boyfriends.
I am here to love you.
I will not abandon you.
I will not toy with you.
I am real with you.
I am here to stay.
Forever.
I love you so so so much.
