I shared my little secret with two people today because I felt I would explode if I didn't. Because they both asked me the same question on two different occasions:
"Do you love XXXX?"
I couldn't answer before but now I could. They know. You don't. I can't bring myself to do it just yet. Funny enough, they both said the same thing. "Oh, they feel the same way." I asked how they could know because the last time, I completely deluded myself into believing the last person reciprocated my love. I was so wrong about the whole thing the entire time. All they could say was "This kind of thing, it usually is mutual. When it's real, that is."
I don't know what to think, however. You told me last week you don't love me. I didn't ask that and I don't really know how that subject came up but you just blurted it out and I was a little taken aback but also grateful for the honesty. Because if you get there yourself, I want it to be real and genuine for you. There should be no pressure to say it just because you feel obligated. Which is one of the reasons I stay silent. I don't want to make things awkward and weird. I'd rather you feel it from me and in something I do or say, you get that warm feeling washing over you that tells you "Oh. Yes. She does love me. No question now if there was before."
I'd rather it grow a little more and be a hundred percent sure and then just let it be what it is than mutter three words to you and it isn't true after all. I need a little more time. Yet I do know where I am. Absolutely. It's here for me and I'm really scared. It's fear of the unknown. It's fear of how beholden I am to you and the ability you have to hurt me. I know I'd survive another heartbreak if that's what it came to but nobody loves going through such a thing.
I often wonder what you think and feel about me. I have no clue. Do you think I'm pretty? What is it about me that has your attention? It looks as if I'm changing your mind on things you had your mind made up on and why is that? I just have no idea and all I can do is trust that in the way you hold me and hold my hand and kiss me, is you're with me for your own good reasons. In due time, I guess I'll know everything. Or something. Anything. I just need to know what keeps you here. Why, in after more or less a decade, you feel certain things you thought you'd never feel again. Parts of you that are being awoken or revived that you purposely laid down to die.
You're bringing me around too, you know. I wear my heart on my sleeve a lot more and you me told you admired that quality about me. That I have the ability to be affected so deeply and that I'm not afraid to let it show. It's true. Vulnerability is one of the hardest things to show but once you get the hang of it, it isn't so bad. It's liberating. You don't regret a thing later on and you don't walk around going "Oh what if I had just said…". I'd rather appear a bit reckless and bold a hundred times over than a coward.
I hope you can take a cue from me. A page out of my book. I'm still being cautious but now I know what I feel and that confusion and angst that was rendering me sleepless and distracted is no more. I can feel what this is and then let it go. Let it be what it is. You either get it or you don't. You'll reciprocate or you won't. Time will tell and that's fine. I still have you even if this little secret hangs over my heart a bit. You keep doing you and I'm in no hurry.
