I’m trying to think of a way I can let you know of the positive impact you’ve made on me. You might need to indulge me a bit so I can fully express what I want to say.
One of the things you wrote me in your first email was that you weren’t like other guys your age; you were working and going to school, not out partying. That intrigued me. But at the time, I still thought, “I just can’t do this, I would feel like an old, washed-up cougar-lady trying to recapture her glory days!” But there was just something unique about you that made me go ahead and check it out. After our bumpy start, when you came back to me and were so honest about your nervousness, it cleared the way for us to explore our time together and make our own terms.
I know that someday things will end between us. I dread that day. So I try to live in the now. Yes, there have been times along the way where I have felt sad because I know that we will never be more than secret lovers. I know it, I accept it, but sometimes it does make me feel wistful.
The connection we’ve formed has surprised me. Meeting you, and allowing myself to do something completely out of character for who I was, was an unexpected outcome. You have filled a void in my life at a critical time. My life as a 40+ single woman is so fucking hard, that sometimes I feel like I am going to lose my mind. Year after year, enduring endless first dates that go nowhere, or managing the disappointment of rejection...the stress of managing all the household responsibilities on my own...the bearing the financial burden for every single goddamn and never-ending expense—these are all constant reminders that quite possibly, I'm the only one that's ever going to take care of me. This scares me. I wanted more from my life.
So know that when I ask to see you, what I really mean is that I need you. I need you to come over and make me feel sexy and vibrant, to make me feel nothing but bliss for a while, to escape my reality for a bit.
And then you come over, and give me exactly that.
I hope that you cherish the physical and emotional parts of myself that I have given to you. Life has a way of connecting us to the perfect people for our transitional growth. I need you, and you need me. Strip everything else away, how beautiful is that?
I’ve told you before about your gorgeous face, amazing bone structure, your body, your smooth skin. Sometimes just looking at the outline of your face and lips gives me pangs inside. So beautiful to look at. "You're so blessed," I always told you. But even beyond the physical, I enjoy your easygoing nature and silliness. I’ve even seen your tender side. When you tell me you missed me, I believe you.
People come packaged in the sweetness of desire, to create our greater awakening. People come in. People leave. All have their purpose and reason.
Maybe some of my thoughts on this are some that you won’t completely understand right now—my hope is that perhaps you’ll keep this note and re-read it over the years, think of me from time to time as your own life moves forward and you can relate more through your own experiences (which are, as of this moment, still yet to come.)
I thank you.
