Tomorrow, April 17th 2016, you will have been gone from this earth for exactly 3 months. I can't begin to express the amount of disbelief, anger, sorrow and guilt I have regarding your death. I have been attending some Grief Share groups and one of the suggestions was to write a letter...to friends and family about how I needed them to let me grieve etc. But I have been wanting to write you a letter since you left us, instead of keeping it all inside me. I can't let it harm me anymore because I have two sons to raise...one of them belonging to you! Our son is thriving and will probably be a line backer one day! You would be proud of him!! We talk about you all the time, and I have pictures of you on the refrigerator down low enough for him to see and they are all crinkled up now because he insists on carrying them around and showing of his daddy! I printed more copies so I would have good prints to keep for him and I just let him carry his copies!
I keep hearing from a lot of different people, that each individual has his or her own way of grieving a loss and that there is no right or wrong way to do it. But I can't help but think my way is wrong.
I fluctuate between being pissed as hell at you for leaving me alone here to clean up your mess and raise our son without you. I hate that I never got any part of the best of you and others did. I hate that I wasn't enough to make you stop. I hate that our son will never know you and the things that he will hear about you when he is older. I give you my word that I will never speak ill of you to him. There will be plenty of people to do that, unfortunately. I hate that he will never remember being your "arm pit hair" and the love you showed him when he was an infant. But I am also glad that he will never remember the times you couldn't watch over him properly and therefore him getting hurt or sick. I am trying to push those memories as far back as I can. But then again, I am not sure that that is what I should do. I want to remember all of you so that I remember what it's like to be passionately loved and also when to fucking run. As much as you hated me, you loved me! And both emotions were extremely easy to feel! I guess I can say the same about you.
You often would tell me about former years, before we were together, and how honorable and responsible and respected you were. I know it to be true. But why couldn't I have seen that side of you? We met during a very unstable time of our lives but when I got pregnant with our child, I did everything I could to make it work with you. You couldn't even come home at night. After the baby was born, I admit, I did horrific things with you because it's the only way and time that I ever really felt close to you and like we belonged.
I visit your grave on a regular basis and you don't even have a grave marker. The baby and I were not welcome at your funeral and it's as if we never even existed.
You show up and show out at the times when I need you the most. However, I am not able to grieve your loss with your family because they blame me for your death.
I have this little blonde haired, blue eyed boy that reminds me everyday of you and that you are no longer here.
I want to tell you, for myself, that I forgive you and I understand you. I hope you can forgive me too.
From the bottom of my heart, I was never with anyone else (like you always thought) and I never wanted to grow old with anyone but you....a healthy happy you!
I am gonna do something for myself and my sons tomorrow, the 3 month anniversary of your death, that I have needed to do since before you died.
I want to be the best person and mother that I can be for our son and my other son. Just promise me that you will surround our son with a little extra love, warmth and protection while I do this thing I have to do! He is loved by so many people and hopefully one day he will be accepted by your family as well. They have no idea what they are missing with him.
A lot of things went on with us during our short time together, but, you were the only one that ever loved me with all their heart and as willing to defend me to the end. You were sick. And I know that. I am going to get better for the both of us now.
I am always here, and ready to listen to you! I love you with all my heart and wish with every fiber of my being, I could bring you back! Sweet dreams, forever!
