Hey K.
I'm just gonna be honest, I haven't really been ok since things fell apart between us. Am I dwelling on every passing moment, ruminating about every text we sent to one another or literally twisting inside at the thought of losing my connection with you... thankfully I'm past that. Nonetheless, I know I still love and care for you. And for whatever reason, my feelings can't reach you. It seems as though every word I say is wrong, or every action is misconstrued. Even as I write this, I'm almost convinced that you don't care about what I have to say. Whether or not that is true, I may never know... but my only point of reference these days is how I feel. But I don't want to move past this point in my life without properly dealing with these feelings. God knows I truly cared for you and God knows that I truly wished to be a valuable person in your life.... but sometimes things just don't work out. But for my own peace of mind, and for the sake of keeping all the things that I love about myself for the next person, these are things that I need to express. Even if you don't read this, at least I know my piece is said.
Before I go any further, I just want to say that regardless of how you may feel, and in fact how I may feel, I do care about you tremendously. You gave me priceless moments in time that I will never forget about and I will always be appreciative of that. You made me feel truly seen in a way that I'd never felt before. But I think that's why I felt so hurt when you decided that you wouldn't see me anymore. And I don't just mean physically see me... I mean it in a deeper sense. You always seemed to care enough to try and see things from my perspective. That's something that I always tried to do for you even in the moments when I was wrapped up in feelings of anger and resentment towards you.
I want you to understand that this isn't a letter trying to make you out to be a horrible person, or to try and present myself as this great person. You said it yourself, that there were things that I did that hurt you as well. But I want you to understand that my experience with relationships of any kind... whether it's with family, friends or people that I've had feelings for, is one where I always find myself questioning my place or value in their lives and minds. For me, my relationships are my lifeblood and in my ideal world, I wouldn't intentionally disconnect from any of them. And don't get me wrong, I'm not deluding myself into believing that we live in a world where it's possible for all relationships to last forever. People fall apart, people grow apart, people change, circumstances change… and those things are inevitable. But every word I've ever said to you about how special you are to me and how valuable my relationship with you was, is as true now as they were when I said them. Those are the kind of relationships that I truly mourn when they disappear.
One of the things that has always puzzled me about relationships, and romantic relationships in particular, is how quickly something that was once good, filled with love and banter and happiness, can transform into something very dark and ugly. It used to make me physically upset because it seemed as though people just forgot that this person that they're insulting, disregarding or repulsed by, was someone that they loved and cared for moments ago. I don't know whether it's a coping mechanism or a skill, but it seems to be something that I can't attain yet... and I'm not sure if it's something that I want to attain.
I'll be completely honest here... since we've started talking less and less, every time that I talk to you, or send a message or try to repair things between us, I feel so bad about myself. I look at myself through the lens that I assume you see me with, and see someone who is obsessed, whiny, insecure, desperate, clueless and annoying. But in truth, I'm just acting from a position of love and a fear of losing that love. I care, feel and love a lot, and at times with you, it has felt like feeling a lot has equated to feeling too much. I know now that isn't the case. It's just that those feelings are misplaced. And when I say that, I don't mean that my love is misplaced... it's just all the actions that come with that love are misplaced because you don't want them. I can never stop loving you... my love is something that you will always have. My feelings, however, are the things that I need to save and protect for someone who actually wants them.
I will never forget what you mean to me, and there are parts of our time together that will always act as a reference point for what I want from my future relationships. But I just refuse to drown myself in all the negative emotions I've been feeling about this situation or suffocate myself by trying to perceive you in a negative light or trying to shove my thoughts down. I've tried to hate you, be angry at you, resent you, not care about you... but not only is it not possible, but it's just not a healthy approach to something that genuinely was so beautiful to me at one point in time. And I don't want to move forward, scared of connecting with someone the way I did with you again or carrying any sort of emotional baggage that someone else doesn't deserve.
Do I miss you? Of course. Do I wish we could still be there for each other? Always. Will I immediately feel better after posting this? Definitely not. I know at some today, tomorrow or whenever.... part of my mind is gonna stray off and hope that you call me or text me to let me know how much you miss me, or just to let me know that you care about me. But as things stand, and may always stand unfortunately, you just aren't someone who sees me the way I want or need to be seen anymore. And this letter is my wholehearted attempt at grounding myself in reality, gaining some acceptance and moving on. It may not feel like it now, but the fact that you don't feel the same way, towards me, as I do towards you, is not a reflection of my worth or confirmation that I won't find the kind of connection that I'm looking for. It's not a receipt that I can always look at to remind me how hard to love I am, or that I'm not enough to satisfy someone's needs. All it is, is a situation that I need to learn and grow from... And most importantly, move on from.
So, I would, with all sincerity, like to try and have the healthiest goodbye for the both of us. As always, I hope you know that I genuinely wish you the best, and in time, I know that there will be no hard feelings between us.
Love O.
