This is for Dustin of Dillsboro...may it ever find you.
It can be said that I am to young to have a good understanding of life and all the relationships that come with it...but then again, who really has a full understanding? This letter is intended to expose some feelings that have me in a state of constant internal debate.
Firstly, I'd like to state something I'm sure we are both aware of: that the general consensus of my admiration for you would be considered at most wrong because of these two main things; you are 15 years older than me; you're married.
You may be aware of who I am and if so, great, you have made an impact on me but one I'm sure was unintended. I've only known you for a little less than a year now and if you couldn't tell, it would seem I've developed a major crush on you. Now, I'm smart enough to know it's wrong to meddle in another person's relationship and I have the utmost respect for yours. Which is why it seems I'm here writing this letter at the moment. I just need to express how I feel about you in a way that won't cause any harm because I can no longer keep all these jumbled thoughts inside me.
I am aware that you like to push people to achieve their potential in life and just want to see people succeed, to help broaden their horizons. Perhaps that is what your intentions with me are(were) but I can't help feeling as though you singled me out. Maybe it's because of this crush I've developed for you but I just need to know... did that lady you delivered groceries for really give you a tip for "person who bagged my groceries" or was that your own money used as guise to finally open the gates to talk to me and get know me? If so, why? I'm not dumb.. I'm very observant. In the beginning I was aware that you were "eyeballing" me while you did orders.. I can tell when I'm being watched. The day you just so happened to "park near my car" while I was on break... you made conversation with me and told me you needed a photographer for something. Did you "research" me and know that I enjoy photography and use that as another guise to get to know me? Again it could just be because of the feelings I've gained for you but... I'd like to think you have some inkling of a feeling for me too.
Even still, you gave me your number to help me get my photography "business" underway... a year later and I never did take photos for you. Yet we text about our lives and joke around with each other. Why bother? Because you're just being nice? We've grabbed lunch together...still being nice? Am I looking too deeply into this?
I'm sure you're very happy in your marriage and again, I'm very aware that you like to help people all the time and you talk to probably hundreds of people with your businesses' and mentorships and everything... but do you ever feel as though talking to me is wrong?
I feel like I really may be looking too deeply at this.
We are both adults and I know we both are aware of the oddity of the "friendship" we have because of stigmas but I truly enjoy the time I've known you. All feelings aside, you really have taught me a lot and have helped me open my mind to become more aware of the world.
I know nothing more would ever come of the friendship we've gained but if you keep acting towards me the way you are... it's hard for me to want to respect the boundaries I know are there. So I feel as though I may have to "cut" you from my life as to not hurt the life that you've built...and to not deny myself love that is waiting because I'm currently fixated on you.
I hope this makes sense.... I'm sorry if it's weird.