To the first boy I every truly cared about; you had been my best friend, the only person I had in the entire world. I had grown to trust you in a short period of time because I thought you cared. When we went to elementary school I realized how little you actually thought of me. You took my trust for you and used it against me. The pain, the abuse, I took every single blow because deep down, I thought that you cared. I thought that if I waited, you would soon realize how much you cared for me back. You invited others to play in your little game; "Who could make the loser cry first." I never really saw the fun in that game. A hit to the arm, a kick in the shin; it was all just a game to you, and then when the final bell rang, you would be my friend again. I treasured the times when you were actually there for me, even though it was all fake, for when the bell rang to start the new day, the pain returned with it. 7 years you played with my feelings, inviting new players to join in your "fun" each year, and I took it all, reaching out for you, for ANYONE to end the pain.
To the girl who still hates me to this day. You didn't have the best grades or the best looks, but you were surrounded by the one thing I didn't have, friends. Those who would look out for you until the end, and you knew; you knew how broken I was. How the pain of the past had left me as a shell of who I could have been, so you did what you did best, you lied. You lied about being my friend, you lied about who I was, you lied about who I liked, and you lied to others just to push me down even further into that shell. I had no spirit left yet you still tried to break it. You lied so that no one would even think about going near me without backing in disgust. All because you lied.
To the person who was supposed to be my closest family. We grew up together; first cousins. I would go over to your house after school, we would study together, play video games, play with transformers, Legos, hot wheels; it was fun. But we were kids, still learning about our bodies, about what they did and how they worked. We were still young when you first touched me that way. I didn't like it, but I didn't know. I didn't know how to feel or if it truly was right. For years it went on, and I realized how wrong it really was. You didn't want to stop though. You said that if I told, that you would make me regret it. I hated going to your house after that. I hated feeling dirty, disgusted, and tainted.
To the boy who broke my heart. I loved you, so much. I couldn't think of a world without you. You were there for me when no one else was. You were the light at the end of the tunnel. You helped to bring me out of my shell when I tried so hard to crawl back in. And you loved me back. You always told me you loved me back. Even when you got mad, you told me you loved me. Even when you yelled at me for messing up, you told me you loved me. Even when you raped me, you told me you loved me. When you cheated on me, when you used all of my money, when you lied to my face, after all that, you still said you loved me....and I was stupid enough to believe it.
I have never truly forgotten what has happened to me. Since as far back as I can remember, all I see is pain. The tears shed from many broken promises. The pain felt from many countless bruises. The love lost from my broken heart. I remember it. I still feel it. I still feel it when I think I see you, and almost panic until I realize you are not here. I still feel it when I get a panic attack every time I think someone is going to hurt me. I can still feel it when someone yells, and tears begin to fall as I think that it is directed towards me. I still feel all the pain.
But that pain makes me stronger. Those broken hearts re-mend themselves. The bruises fade and the tears will eventually stop flowing, and when they do, it makes me stronger. It makes me believe that all the things that were said to me were wrong. That the people who hurt me were wrong. I know that they are WRONG. And to those who hurt me, who pushed me down, who said I would never amount to anything. Guess what?
You were wrong.
