The things I want my abuser to know

Subject: The things I want my abuser to know
From: The girl you left behind.
Date: 14 Mar 2017

I want to start off by telling you, I wish you well.
I don't know if you will ever see this, or even know that it is meant for you. I just want you to know a few things about me, about the person that I have become.

You broke me.

I want you to know that I have nightmares so bad that my partner has to hold me as I scream and cry because I remember those things that happened.
I want you to know that every single time I go to a bathroom I need to lock the door out of fear and if there isn't a lock, I wait.
I want you to know that every single time I see those abandoned train tracks I squeeze my eyes closed because the flashbacks are so bad that I can't bare to look there.
I want you to know that I cried for 3 days when I found out that your girlfriend was pregnant for fear that you had a daughter. I still cry for your son, having to have you for a role model. I just hope you teach him better than to be the monster that he came from.
I want you to know that I hate every single person who told me that you were young and you didn't know what you were doing, you were old enough to know what you were doing. You were old enough to tell me that if I ever told anyone that they wouldn't believe a little girl like me.
I want you to know that I have had years of different councillors and psychiatrists and medication just to deal with what you put me through.
It kills me that all of our family have chosen you over me.They know what you did to me for years, yet it is me who is the outcast. While you still get invited to family parties and gatherings, I am left in the shadows.
I want you to know that you destroyed my ability to trust anyone even those I love.
I want you to know that I have attempted suicide 3 times because I can't deal with the PTSD, anxiety, depression and everything else caused by what you have done to me.
I want you to know that I still haven't played a game of truth or dare since the time you almost got caught. I wish I hadn't said that everything was fine.
I want you to know that I am not allowed to talk about this to our family because they don't want to deal with what happened. So I stay silent for fear of even more seclusion.

I want you to know that I STILL don't say your name.

For the past 13 years, I have avoided you. I don't speak about you. I have had to deal with what you left with me. The emotional scars you left with me dig deeper than any other. I still have nightmares, I still have flashbacks and I still cry.
I hope that you live with the regrets of what you did. I hope that you are burdened with the knowledge of what you did. Why should I be the only one to carry the hurt and the pain of what YOU did? Why should I continue to suffer in silence while you get to live your life? Most of all I hope that if you ever have a daughter that nothing like this ever happens to her.

I hope that one day, you see this.
I want you to know that I will never forgive you.


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