This is a letter to tell you all the things I just couldn't say to you in person.
We met 5 years ago on a cold and rainy night. I can remember exactly what I was wearing because I kept thinking I wonder if you found me attractive in my red pencil skirt and black figure hugging top.. I wasn't prepared to meet you. I'd had a long day at work and just wanted to have dinner with my friends before going home but as fate would have it, we ended up sitting next to each other.
I really didn't want to like you. You were quite a bit older than me. You had tattoos and you said things I didn't like. I remember moaning to my best friend the next day about having to sit next to this older guy who had such different beliefs to me and how horrible he was. Even while I was saying this, there was something in me that kept telling me I was wrong. On the night I sat next to you trying to convince myself I didn't like you, something inside was already changing. I felt like that night something just clicked inside of us that would change both of us forever. We just didn't know it. Even though we didn't seem to have much in common and all the words we said to one another said that we would never get along, something compelled me to hug you before I left. And in that hug, I felt like I knew you and I'd always known you. Maybe it was our souls connecting..
It wasn't too long and we were seeing more of each other due to being in the same friendship group. The more I saw you, the more I began to like you and realize how wrong I'd been when judging you.
You were kind.. You were the one person who always took the time to speak to homeless people and make them feel human again. You have a deep love for animals, you make sure I've had a good day every single day of your life. You take care of your grandma. You get really upset if anyone hurts someone you care about. You weren't the person I first thought you were.
Your kindness to me is what really set you apart from anyone I'd met. You'd saved that last strawberry for me the night we had the fondue because you knew I loved them. You let me play 80s music for 3 hours on our first roadtrip because you knew it would make me happy even though you hated it. You'd always tell me what a good person you thought I was and how I should never change. You made me believe in myself and love myself a whole lot more.
You've taught me how I should not judge people (and books) by their covers, because sometimes the most wonderful people aren't as scary as you think they are.
You've taught me to laugh at the end of the day, no matter how difficult it was.
You've gotten me to try new things and break silly rules. And that it's okay to not always have control of everything.
You've taught me that it's okay to be angry and to lose my temper sometimes with people - and I'm still working on getting better at that.
You've taught me not to take all the world's problems on myself, that I can't save the world - which I will still try to do but at least now I know it's okay if I can't.
You've taught me that there is kindness in the smallest gestures that you always do for people everyday.
And mostly that everything will always be okay in the end and if it's not, then it's not the end.
So I want to say thank you, thank you for helping me to become a better person and also for always making me feel like I am a good person. There aren't many people who have helped me believe as much in myself as you have. And for that I will always be grateful.
Everyone who knows me, knows I like to play it safe. I won't make a bet if I don't know the answer.. I won't take the risk if I don't know how something will end and that's the reason why I'd been in love with you for 4 years and wasn't able to tell you. I was scared. I was scared you wouldn't feel the same. I was scared you would feel the same. But mostly I was scared of losing you. At least I knew nothing would change if I didn't tell you.
But as time went on I felt like something changed between us. We weren't just friends anymore. We were something more pretending to be friends. Everyone else could see it. Our friends asked us about it. Even strangers could see it and would assume we were together. It was the way you held me by the small of my back when walking me out of the restaurant. It was the gentle brush of my hair out of my face. It was the, how was your day, let me know when you get home or the have you eaten yet. It was the never leaving my side and always being my rock. It was all of this that told me it wasn't just me. I wasn't crazy, I wasn't imagining that there was something between us.
So I asked one of your best friends what I should do. She told me she'd never seen you like this with anyone before. She'd never heard you talk about anyone the way you talk about me. She said I was different.
This gave me the courage to write you a letter. A letter where I told you how I felt. A letter where I told you my fears. A letter that was a promise to myself to not waste any more time wondering what could have been.
I gave myself a deadline. I had to send you the letter by the date of us having known each other for 5 years. I promised myself that I would be brave. I would risk everything and put my heart on the line by 15 June. I worked on my letter for two whole months making sure it was perfect. I put my heart into it. But then the day came and my fear settled in.. I felt like I couldn't do it. How much would sending the letter change what we had? Even if you did feel the same, what if it didn't work?
So I gave myself one more day. On that day I just knew in my heart I had to tell you how I felt or I'd never end up telling you. I decided to not send the letter but to rather just simply say it. So I told you I was in love with you. Not just in love with you but crazy in love with you for a few years already. You seemed to surprised and even asked if I was sure. I assured you I was. I told you I was scared to tell you in case it changed things between us.
You told me you didn't know what to say. I said that was okay. You promised me it wouldn't ever change our friendship in any way and said thank you for being honest.
I never knew what to expect. I didn't know if you'd say you didn't feel the same, or if something would happen between us but I did think I would get some sort of confirmation as to where we stood with each other.
Days went by, then weeks went by and months went by.. We never spoke of that night again. You promised me things wouldn't change.. Things wouldn't be awkward. We would still be friends but things changed from my side. At first I thought you just needed some time. Then I felt embarrassed for telling you and not knowing how to act afterwards. And then I felt angry. Angry that I put myself out there and confessed how I felt but you didn't have the decency to even give me an answer. I assumed you weren't man enough to reject me.
But again your kindness and love proved me wrong. You never for one moment treated me any different. You never made me feel bad for saying anything. You showed me the same level of friendship you always had and convinced me that it would all be okay just like you promised.
It's been a year now since I told you and I don't regret it at all. You still haven't told me how you feel about me but I know the day will come when you are ready to put it into words and I'll be here ready for you.
So this is just to say thank you. Thank you for making a promise to me and for keeping it. For letting me be vulnerable and treating me with respect. Thank you for making a considered decision and not just jumping into something you aren't sure about. Thank you for always protecting my heart. Thank you for always being there for me, everyday.
In the mean time, I'll keep loving you at a distance but I'm happy to still have you as my best friend..