You said something today which I didn’t expect, or feel was fair. I haven’t fancied or slept with anyone who has rented my spare room in all the years I’ve rented it out; about 7 years off and on. That does not mean that men haven’t tried it on with me, they have! And whilst we are on the subject I haven’t slept with anyone at all in the last 18 months. Business is business and sex and love are something else. If you made that comment based on the fact I once said you could stay here then your comment has some validity. When I said you could stay here it was because I had feelings for you. You know I am in love with you, and I know you don’t feel the same way about me, and I have to accept that over and over again. I have so much goodwill and compassion in my heart for you, I’m always carrying a light for you inside, so please don’t reduce my desire for you to a need for any man to fill my bed. For me you are something really special, and I value our friendship a lot, I would love for there to be more between us, but you’re not able to offer me that chance. If this is too much for you and you’d rather not speak anymore, I will understand, but if we’re to continue to speak, I don’t want you to tell me to find someone else, or to assume that I am desperate. I am in touch with my emotions and I feel them strongly and I trust in them, I don’t deny myself feelings of love, even when it really hurts, I know I will learn something from it and that it has come into my life for a purpose and anyway no one can choose whom to love... I won’t stay in this unrequited state forever, I know that, but I will allow myself the time and space to explore it and will expect it to fade gently away as more of your true character is revealed and I see for myself the incompatibilities which arise, but for now I am powerless, I cannot switch off this light inside.
I hope this does not make you angry with me, but enlightens you as to how deeply you have affected me just by being you.
