To the person who smiled at me

Subject: To the person who smiled at me
From: A person who has moved on
Date: 31 Jan 2016

Thank you for choosing me

Those aren't the words you expected to hear but I am truly thankful that you didn't pick my sister's. Thankful that you didn't have the chance to try and ruin them.

Those nights you came into my bed and thought I was asleep.

The days that you thought I didn't realise what you were doing, on public transport, in broad daylight.

I was young, I didn't know any better.

I was so scared. I wanted not to disappoint everyone. So they remained blind.

But now this is not just between you and me anymore. Everything that is in the darkness comes to light.

For so many years I've been living in fear. For so many years I've suppressed it. For so many years you have affected me, tainted everything I am. You made me move away whenever anyone came close. I mistrusted everyone around me.

You left me nothing but hate, burned my innocence.

I thought you had destroyed me. I thought I didn't have a future. I thought I could have been so much more if it wasn't for you.

I know better now.

I'm stronger, I am a new creation. Christ has made me whole. I won't let you ruin my life. I won't let you colour every decision I make, every emotion I feel, the way I treat people and how I let them treat me.

I'm not going to fear intamcy anymore. I'm going to fall in love one day. I'm going to get married. I'm going to have beautiful children. I'm not gonna allow you to make me paranoid about them. I'm not going to allow you to take away from my joy.

The most wonderful thing is that I trust again, I don't run away from hugs.

I have forgiven you. Not because you deserve it. Not because you will ever so sorry. I did it for me. I've moved on. I'm covered in scars, but they've healed and they don't hurt anymore, my gaping wounds have closed. I have left you behind.

Now when I see your face I don't feel hate, I pity you.

I pray that you will be judged fairly.