Three years ago we met for the first time in the parking lot of the Majestic diner in your city ATL.
We were nervous, wanting to make a good impression as we sat inappropriately close but the moment you drove up in the parking lot and I saw your smiling face I fell for you. Hook, line and sinker. From that day three years ago your name was written on my heart, my head, my blood, my hands, my eyes, on my lips. I've been inside your heaven.
So many nights we laughed and talked until the sun came up, and we loved ... sensually, passionately, spiritually, our souls touching each time. Remember the late night rides in your car. I was the Bonnie to your Clyde. We were fearless and in love. You made me feel so alive so protected; the world stood still around us.
Over time the real world crept it's way into our Eden. Work, Kids, running a home together, doubt, fears. I felt my strength melting away but instead of me running into your strong arms for the safe harbor that I've always known I fell back into old ways ... protection mode ... giving you silence when I know that's what you hated most ... pushing you away. I got scared that you would see that I wasn't your superwoman after all: that I wasn't the woman of your dreams. Instead of laying my head in your lap, shedding tears, giving myself unto you, telling you my deepest fears, I put up a wall because I was afraid of you rejecting my vulnerable real self.
But you being the man you are, you kept fighting, trying to break those walls down but I too persisted ... kept building them back up until finally you too got tired.
A few weeks ago I felt things change: I actually felt the beautiful world we created slipping away. I felt it in my bones – my body actually ached as it does today. I look back and regret that I didn't throw myself at you feet and tell you – show you – promise you that I will change. Ask for your forgiveness and begin again. The crazy part is I know you would have understood; taken me into your arms and reminded me how much you love me and mine and that you ain't going nowhere.
Today we are apart.
I've been doing a LOT of thinking ... just plain thinking - rolling back the tape of us. My old self kept saying play the waiting game ... but the best advice I got was from my real self: that the time for waiting has passed. Waiting to say I'm sorry. Waiting to call or text you when I missed you. Waiting for you to make the first move after a fight. Waiting caused me the to lose my beautiful world, my sun, my moon, my star, my universe.
It's taken this experience to teach me that giving in to ego, false pride, hardheadedness,is nothing compared to life without you. I've thrown all those old raggedy words away. I'm stripped down to the real me. Once again you have set me free. I'm back to being that open, honest, fearless, happy, beautiful girl that you met 3 years ago in April in that parking lot of the Majestic Diner in your city ATL.
I can't give up because I know ... I know ... I know ... that our story is not done. Yes there were days that I was resigned that we were at the end of our story but I kept waking up at night and I wasn't afraid ... I know you were thinking of me as I was of you. I felt you in my spirit. I felt you move through me as I am feeling you now. We can't be wrong ... we are just in need of an adjustment, a reboot, a recalibration.
I'm talking about change. Changing attitudes, moods, communication styles. Everything from a place of love not of fear and frustration. You're my best friend who just happens to have a piece of my heart – it's a new heart – the old has fallen away.
The piece of my heart that has your initials written on it and I want it back. Reach out and take my hand and never let it go.