To the Other Woman

Subject: To the Other Woman
From: Someone who knows him MUCH better than you do.
Date: 27 Mar 2015

Dear Other Woman,

Hi, we’ve never met, but it appears we have something in common… or, rather, someone. Yeah, you know, the guy I’m MARRIED to. You see, a couple of days ago I was checking our phone bill, and your number was there… a LOT. Like over 1000 texts. Phone calls, some of them pretty long. I’m not so naive to think that two platonic friends would be in such frequent contact, so don’t try and play dumb.

Anyway, I’m not actually writing to bash you, or call you names, or anything like that. I’m writing to warn you. You see, I’ve literally been in your shoes. Did you know I’m not his first wife? That he was married when we met online and began getting to know each other? He told me they were getting a divorce, that the marriage was over, although they still lived in the same apartment. He gave me a couple of sob stories. I felt bad for him. He’s pretty charismatic too, right? He seems very sensitive, smart, funny, playful, generous… all of those things.

Here’s the thing, OW, and without giving you the dirty details of our marriage, let me give you the Cliff’s Notes:

1) He is a textbook narcissist. Read articles that describe narcissistic personalities and behavior, and know that you are reading a dead-on description of the guy you’re spending so much time talking to. The person you know at a distance is, at best, showing you selective parts of himself, and at worst, wearing a mask to try and impress you. Know him long enough and you will see the rest.

2) He has a very bad temper, and has lashed out at my physically on more than one occasion. A few years ago when things were particularly bad, my own mother urged me to leave him. I wish I had. He has told me to go jump off a bridge. Said life would be so much easier if I were dead. Said he wished that I were dead. Charming, no?

3) He likes to come across as tolerant, universalist, etc., but in reality is disgustingly hateful. He’s made really awful racist, fat-shaming, sexist, and anti-religious comments in my presence. I mean, the guy has literally said, on more than one occasion, that he admires Hitler’s nerve (or something like that… nerve, gumption, whatever). HITLER. I digress.

4) If you don’t turn out to be quite like he imagines you to be in his mind, which you can’t, it’s going to suck for you. He’ll try to change you into that person, though. Dear God, will he try.

5) He’ll have no qualms about talking down to you or saying nasty or nit-picky things to you in public, even in front of friends. I think that by now, almost all of our mutual friends have witnessed this.

6) Long story short: he’s very controlling. Like, keep the wifey unemployed, at home, carless kind of controlling.

I could go on and on, but the main point is: he did it to his first wife, he did it to me, and he’ll do it to you, too. So cut your losses and just fucking RUN. You actually seem like a very decent person, apart from the whole involved-with-my-husband part. If his first wife had contacted me and given me a heads up, I don’t really know that I would take her word for it, because I was stupid and naive. Don’t be stupid and naive, OW.

P.S. In case you decide to ignore my warnings, I hope you have money, because he’s about to find himself SUPER strapped once I’ve taken him to task with the help of a trusty lawyer.

P.P.S. Just want to get out one little “Fuck You” right here, because fuck you. Fuck him, mostly, but fuck you, too.