I don't really know how to start this letter, I have a lot to say and I will probably use this as a therapy.
I like to see myself as an eternal optimist and I know I am, but I also had to admit, lately I feel depress and desperate and it's been going on for about 3 months.
First, not having any kind of support since I arrived for my studies early in 2020 is something very difficult. The lack of family support is something I already knew but finding yourself, following your dreams and trying to achieve your goals without this support during Covid-19 is very heartbreaking. I knew when I decided to be an entrepreneur and follow entrepreneurship program that my journey will be difficult with loneliness but what I experienced lately is so much more than my expectations. They all have their own expectations about your life: as a young woman if it is too difficult to for me to be financially stable and send money back then I should find a suitable man to be my husband, have kids and find a little job somewhere. Dealing with this and the society pressure where all my friends are married with jobs and kids, it affect me a lot. I feel weird wanting different things in life, I feel like my dreams are unrealistic and I should be more realistic and just do what the majority are doing.
But deeply inside of me, I know I want and deserve more.
Secondly, my situation don't allow me to have any kind of support from my country of residence and even from my home country. It's make my life quite difficult, as I am not allow to work as non-EU student, they don't grant me with any aid, even for the transport or food. I feel like I don't have any rights, only obligations and interdictions. For me it like I am there without being there. Normally I don't like to complaint but now I am tired, desperate and anxious. I know I choose to come to this country but between what they said on internet about life here and the reality, I am very disappointed. I never though that life is easy, never... I know I had to work hard, even harder considering where I come from, but to be honest I am fighting against steel wall and I am not very strong.
Yes, today I am complaining. In more than a year in Europe, I lost my self confidence, my smile, my savings, my motivation and it's sad, very sad. But I also learned resilience; how to be comfortable when things are uncomfortable; that I am alone and my journey are going to have more loneliness.
I think that one of the solution is to continue my entrepreneurship studies in another country where international student have more rights and supports; have less interactions with my family; and just keep my focus on me, my mental health and my goals.
I don't know exactly why I am writing this letter; asking for help or mental support; maybe both. What I know now is my mother just called me, suggested me to find a man for marriage and kids because she is tired to go to others wedding, people also has to come to her kids weddings; and the thing she don't know is I have 3 euros in my bank account, I have unpaid phone bills, a rent I should pay tomorrow and the tuitions fees for the school. She only added her stress into my stress and I started to cry. I can not allow it anymore, I don't want to ignore my internal expectations about my life to satisfy hers.
Can I have advices, help support or anything from people who went through the same difficulties? I am tired, really tired