Dear Mom and Dad of Middle Schoolers,
This week, I'm passing the torch to you. My youngest of four is graduating from middle school. A big ceremony at school, kids dressed in their first formal wear, with mom and dad cheering in the background.
"We made it!"
The transition from childhood to adolescence is a celebration for parents as much as it is for kids. Some of us cheer because our child made it through junior high, somewhat unscathed. Some of us sigh, wearily, because we feel like we've been through World War 3. We hope high school can't be any worse.
Some of us celebrate because we've seen our awkward little ones grow into young men and women, who physically morphed before our eyes. Some of us cry, like me, because it's your last child to leave this momentous phase of life.
Some cultures and religions have a huge ceremony as children walk through the twelve-to-fifteen years. A rite of passage, it's called. Surely, it is. Americans don't acknowledge the importance of this age. Instead, we approach it with fear and dread; anticipating the drama, hyperactivity, and hormones. With my last child leaving this stage behind, this is what I leave to you, from a parent whose been in the middle school trenches the last 12 years.
- Your child is as scared as you as they enter this stage. They need you to go before them, even when you're scared, saying it'll be alright, and that you'll get through. Believe me, you will get through it, so let them know that when they doubt. And put your trust in Jesus when you don't think you will.
- Your child is as insecure as you are during these years. Only so much more because they're kids. They need you to be strong, pouring into them when they feel totally inept and worthless. They will feel that way, and their hormones and peers will affirm it. They need you to trust in the Lord who created them, telling them that they need not fear what others think or what their emotions tell them. They need you to let them know, every day, the good things about them, and not just because you're their mom or dad. Find their strengths and remind your child of them. Often.
- Your child feels out of control of their emotions. When they yell, cry, talk back, roll their eyes, or fight with their siblings, it's all part of the package. It might be out of character for them. But it's not out of character for their age. Be in control of your emotions. Hold them accountable, extending grace at the same time. It's the best formula. You may fail until you really know what that looks like for each child, but don't stop trying. Your child needs you to see past their emotions.
- Seek to understand what you're child's saying or why they're feeling the way they do. Their emotions aren't without something behind them. Your teen may not express what they're feeling appropriately, but the why is more important than the how. Hold them accountable for the how, but stay with them until you get to the why.
- Acknowledge and affirm who they're becoming. Your child's at a rite of passage because they are walking the bridge to self-discovery. Don't make them be like you. Don't expect them to be like their siblings. Don't dismiss their interests because you don't connect with it. Affirm and encourage them to develop healthy ways to find their identity, with your guidance. If you push them away, or they think you don't accept them, they'll seek peer groups who do. Be their ally, not their adversary.
- Be patient and love the heck out of them. Even when they're unlovable.
- Enjoy them, because they will soon move on. And high school goes a whole lot faster.
- Stay close to God. Pray often, more, and cling to Jesus. Your child can't do these years on their own, and neither can you.
- Celebrate their successes, and help them move on from their failures.
- Make time for them, and pray with them. Because all of the above will soon pass.
We've had someone in middle school every year over the last 12 years. I've felt every emotion, from rage to tenderness. I've failed miserably and done well in all areas above.
Middle school is a time to truly be treated with care. Each child of yours is different. While there aren't guarantees for making it through this stage well, the only guarantees are two: This time will pass, and Jesus is with you every step.
Sincerely,
Brenda L. Yoder, Counselor, Teacher, and Mom.
