So, where do I start? October 4th 2015 seems like the best spot. It’s the day my life as I knew it would completely change. Wow that read like the beginning of a period drama on lifetime. But it’s true, that was the day and unfortunately, it was the lack of a period that was to come the following week that changed everything. In short, and as of today, I am 21 weeks pregnant with your child. I’m not happy. I tried to be happy. I wanted to be happy. I’ve accepted the fact that this child is coming. Parts of me think I should have aborted it. It would have been very convenient for my you whom has explicitly expressed to me just how much you don’t want this child, and how I should be ashamed like “it”. How I’ve trapped you into taking care of someone you don’t want around. Telling me just how horrible it is that I’m black and your Asian with very Asian parent who will live in disgrace for have a half black/half Asian grandchild. How you regret ever dating me. How you even wished I was dead.
I have had to be exceptionally in control of my emotions these last few months. Holding my tongue; crying to alone to myself. And even writing these notes of desperation who no one will ever read. I love you. I must still love you. Why else would I suffer in silence like this? I don’t want other people to think you’re a bad person. You’re not really. Just not ready to be a father and for that I can’t be completely mad with you. No, I can… You don’t have to say those things to me. Those hurtful things. And you mean every single word. Every time. Everything you says is spiteful, mean, cruel and… on purpose. And when you’re not busy yelling, cursing, calling me stupid or whatever, you’re trying to be close to me. Touching me. Trying to have sex with me. Trying to act like you actually love me. But I don’t want to touch you. I don’t want to kiss you and hug you or sleep next to you. I can’t even bring myself to get turned on to have sex with you. You’ve broken me.
Sure… from the outside it’s easy for you to say to just leave. And you’re right, I should. I’ve had my outs. You’ve dumped me several times in the last year. Heck, you dumped me just 4 months into our relationship over text once. At first I’d talk you out of it. Not begging per say but being persistent. I was scared I guess. I didn’t want to be another woman with child and dumped by her boyfriend. These last few times I barely talked. I’d tell you that I’m sorry you felt whatever way you were feeling at the time. Say not to worry about me and the baby. That we’d be fine. Back away from you or get out your car and walk away. I’ve tried to avoid eye contact. When you looks at me, I fall right back under, you do too. Then the cycle starts all over again. It’s always a matter of time before you start up again. Yelling, cursing, and telling me that my love isn’t enough for you and that you don’t want to get trapped. Blaming all your problems on me and the baby. I wish I could say I’m numb to everything now. But I feel everything. But I keep it to myself. And I don’t have anyone I can talk to because they either know you or will have bias against you. I guess a part of me thinks this will get better and I don’t want others to hate you when you’re doing a great job. I am losing faith though. I am starting to think this will only get worst. I’m starting to even hate you….