Dear First Love,
Sometimes relationships don't turn out the way you had hoped or planned. Sometimes they don't last forever. Sometimes they end abruptly. Sometimes things change and people change and it has to come to an end. And when the time comes to move on from that person, you'll face an endless amount of obstacles, but nothing is impossible. With pain comes strength.
Someone will inform me that you’re seeing someone someday and that you’re happy, and my hands will stop working. I'll have to work hard to hold onto whatever I’m holding. Hopefully, it's not breakable. Suddenly, I'll remember everything I ever loved about you--everything that ever moved me to tears, and made my insides feel like they were tying themselves into knots. I'll remember that you were loyal, that you were open with me, and how you smiled against my mouth when we kissed. I'll remember that it was easy, like God had put the two of us together deliberately, like it had been the plan all along.
But for whatever reason, you let me go, and you thought that it was the right thing, and for a little while, it felt like you knew exactly what you were doing. What hurts the most is that all of the parts of me that touched you knows that I’m never going to be able to touch you again, and that kills me. Even my fingers are sad, and my stomach is aching from the loss of it all. I’m never going to get that again. I hope you regret it and I hope your regret looks like artwork that would've been a masterpiece if you'd finished it. I hope your regret looks like picking a flower before it has bloomed. So maybe you'll call me one day and tell me you miss me, and I'll sound gentle on the phone, but not in love with you anymore. I’ll say, "We happened and we were important, but you let me go. I’m sorry, but you let me go.”
When you first left me, I promised myself I would punch you in the face so hard that there would be indentations on your cheekbones if I ever saw you again. Now, I would love to tell you that I just don’t care anymore. I always loved the way you laughed. It was like your diaphragm was singing. And now that sound haunts my mind, and I’ll never be able to escape it. Yesterday I unfolded one of the letters you wrote to me centuries ago, read it out loud, and I didn’t miss you one bit. Because now I’ve found this boy who wears nice polo shirts and matching socks. And no, I’m not jealous that you wake up in nameless beds every morning, trying to figure out if the morning light looks good on her cheeks. What was her name again? Because you only ever called me “maybe” and no, not like the song, but like a false promise, like an “if she turns out to be good enough in the end” type of maybe. Loving you was trying to climb Mount Everest without an oxygen tank, and I was nearly suffocating near the end. What it all comes down to is this: if you are looking for a girl who would always project what you wanted to see, you might be better off with a mirror.
In five more years, I probably won't remember our love the same way you knew it. You'll be another nameless and faceless figure in the back of my mind, and the thought that you will just be a shadow of my past is terrifying, yet soothing at the same time. It's time to move on. Everyone deserves to be happy, right? Everyone deserves someone who loves them unconditionally, who gives them their heart and soul, and who they never have to fear of them leaving. It's time to move on, but I will never forget. You will forever be a part of me, a chapter in my life that has ended, but I'll inevitably read back way down the road.
I can never disregard whatever it is you and I had. It might have been weeks, months, or even years. I cannot erase the fact that I had shared something with you. Both of us cannot simply forget that. But I will soon forget how my heart shattered on the pavement when you told me that you no longer felt the same. I will soon forget the nights I fell asleep crying, waiting for you to come take me back. I will soon stop asking the same questions over and over again. Why did you leave? How could you let me go? Where did I go wrong? I know it seems impossible, but I’m trying to believe what others tell me. It will pass. Time will heal the wounds. It might leave me a scar, but I will let it be a reminder that I can make it through anything. I’ll let it remind me that there are better days ahead. I won’t close my doors yet. I’ll have faith and let time work its magic. And I know I’ll be okay. You will forever be a part of me, and that's fine.
All in all, I would like to say one thing: thank you. Thank you for showing me that life isn’t like a fairytale, but more like a sad story that rarely has a happy ending. Thank you for lingering on everything I’ve ever done for so long. It made me realize that I needed to focus more on myself. Thank you for briefly showing me what love is. It may have been messy, but it was real. Thank you for giving me so many new experiences. I now truly believe that it is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. Thank you for breaking my heart, because now I have something to write about.
I am proud to say that the day has come where I am happy, and I hope you’re happy too.