I remember the day you walked away as though it were moments ago. I remember every single word that was spoken and I remember exactly the way the bile tasted in my mouth as I choked on the words. I remember the way the room smelled and the sky looked- how the sun shown with the brightest of rays and how fall was fast approaching, but the sounds of summer still whipped around me. I remember the sound of your voice when you said that every thing was ok and the sound of my phone when I received the email moments later that stated otherwise.
An email. I have yet to comprehend how that was the best way that you could say goodbye, but I guess our entire relationship was emails and blocked numbers so I should have never been surprised. Amongst all of these memories, what I remember most is that no matter how deeply I loved you, you would always love her more and there has never been a greater pain in my life.
I'm not sure what it was about you or the exact moment that I knew I could spend the rest of forever with you, but it happened and like fire and gasoline we went up in a blaze of wonderment and adventure.
We've tried to explain away whatever we had but i think it is time you know what loving you was really like.
Every moment with you was both magic and torture, it was beautiful and it was tragic, it was heaven and hell. I would count down the moments until I would see you again, but the entire time together was I was dreading the goodbye. You see, with you I laughed louder, cried harder, felt deeper in love than I have ever in my entire existence. With you I dreamed, I sang, I prayed. With you I was on cloud 9, but that cloud had a hole and I always managed to fall into it. That hole lead to a bottomless pit of doom and misery that would become my life. That hole was the in between "me and you" time. That hole was when I cried myself to sleep every night and you laid down beside her. That hole was the times you kissed her goodnight and me goodbye. That hole is where I lived when I waited for you to say you were ready to leave home for a while. You were my home. You were my safety and you were my danger. To me, you were what made the world go round but you were the reason it could never spin again. Loving you was like being stuck upside down on one of those carnival rides- you knew it would be a bad idea to get on, but something drew you in and now here you are, stuck, looking down on the mistake that you made but having absolutely no way out. You're strapped in and buckled down with determination and hope.
Everyone that knew told me I was crazy. Not because I was crossing a morally corrupt line, but because I was volunteering my heart to be beaten and ripped into sheds every day for a year. I was actively allowing myself to feel agony in the name of love. You had a way to make me believe that you would leave and I would be yours forever and that there would never be anyone after me and there was never really one before me because I was the love you had searched for. I was the one that your heart called for. I'd have to wait though. You had to figure out the custody issues that would arise as you knew she would take the child that you loved so much. I need not worry though, because you hated her and she was the bane of your existence. You WOULD leave.
And you did.
My knees shook until they collapsed around me. The oxygen that had minutes before circulated in my lungs was now being vacuumed out of me with a force unknown to scientists. my heart was some how beating and stopping at the same time. The world went silent and the only sound left in the air was my screams. But they were silent too. I couldn't open my mouth, but I could hear the ringing of a shrill in my ears. You were saying goodbye. This was too much for you to handle and maybe there would one day be another chance for us, but right now wasn't the best time.
What was it like for you? Seeing me every day at work break down and cry my eyes out was becoming a norm for all of our friends and co-workers, they were sad for me. How did it make you feel? It was always so crazy to explain I was sad because my boyfriend had left me for another womenan. Every word I spoke about you was a lie- who you were, where you were from, how we met. And the other woman was me.
I spent 2 years continuing to cry over you and ruining every chance I had with someone else because I was terrified that they, too, would go home to another person and I would be left alone. I was afraid that they would disappear suddenly and so I pushed them until they did. I was so broken that I couldn't live outside of the 4 walls that housed me because I was terrified of seeing you, her, and the memories we made along the way. I was a washed up disaster and no one deserved to have to deal with all that I was. I was ready to just die alone.
So thank you. Thank you for breaking me into a million tiny pieces because had it not been for you, I would not have been forced to rebuild everything that made up my soul. Had it not been for you ripping out my heart and throwing into a puddle of my own tears, I would not have discovered who i am inside. I deserved more than what we had. I deserved more than secrets and the sneaking around. I deserved to know your family and friends and I deserved to save your name in my phone. I deserved to say I love you in public and have you hug me in front of people. I deserved to tell my friends of the man that had stolen my heart. I deserved you, but I didn't get you. I got a shadow of who you allowed me to have. There is no telling how many people I shared that shadow with and as time has passed, I have heard that number rise.
I deserved to tell my friends who had caused the tears they were wiping away and I deserved to grieve. I didn't deserve you telling me to pull it together and stop crying in front of people. HOW DARE YOU THINK FOR ONE SECOND THAT YOU HAD THE RIGHT TO TELL ME HOW TO FEEL ANYMORE. HOW DARE YOU HAVE THE AUDACITY TO THINK THAT YOU HAD THE RIGHT TO MAKE ME HIDE ANYMORE.
How dare you even try to speak to me years later as though nothing had ever happened between us. That I was merely someone that you knew from work.
You will never be just another ex-boyfriend. You always and forever be the man who forced me to find myself.