I’m sorry. I know that doesn’t matter to you, and that your mind is made up about me. I know that what I did may have affected you more than I’ll ever know, and I know that it hurt you. I know that it probably hurt worse that you found out from someone else. The phrase “I’m sorry” can never make up for what I did, but I’m at a loss on how else I could ever tell you how much I regret what I did. I want you to know something though, the situation was so much more than what you believe it to be. I know that sounds like an excuse, but I could never explain to you what happened that day, if I did you probably wouldn’t even believe me. I’m stronger now than I was when I was eighteen. I’m happily in a relationship now, full of trust and respect. I don’t say this to upset you, I say this because cheating on you wasn’t the only mistake I made with you. I also made the mistake of entering our relationship with no respect for myself, and no love for myself. It was wrong of me to do that to you; I know this now. Maybe if I had waited, maybe if we had met at another time we could have worked. The chances are gone now and I’m sorry for that also. I wish you could understand how I felt that day you texted me, worthless. The things you said to me were harsh and maybe I deserved them. I also know that you were angry, you had every right to be. I could never be upset with you for what was said that day. I could never explain to you how low you made me feel, as if I was dirt beneath your feet. You found out almost two years after I had done it, almost exactly a year after we broke up. All the progress I had made in those two years felt as if it had been washed down the drain, for the longest time I felt no respect for myself again. I felt dirty, like I was some whore who didn’t deserve love. It took me awhile to regain faith in myself and I’m still a work in progress. I want you to know that you didn’t deserve what I did to you, and I didn’t do it to hurt you. I could blame it on youth and stupidity but that’s just another excuse. I blame it on myself, and I take full responsibility for it, just like I told you that day. I lost one of my best friends because of one selfish decision, one stupid decision. If I could take back what I did I would, not because I got caught but because it was one of the worst mistakes I have ever made. I won’t deny that I was weak and pathetic, I won’t deny that I could have chosen a different path. This isn’t some feeble plea to gain attention and gain your forgiveness, this letter is for me. This letter is so I can finally let go of the past and let go of you. I can no longer pity myself and fall into depression every time I think of how I did you wrong. I know I made a mistake, I learned from it and now it’s time for me to let it go. I won’t let it define me. I won’t let the words you said make me feel any less of a person. I am human. I will keep my head up and I won’t let the past drag me down anymore. Thank you for being a chapter in my life: a chapter of love, loss and lessons learned. It’s time for me to turn the page.
