Dear Mads,
I can still imagine you in my room when I sit here alone, even when I have company all I'm thinking about is you. How your laugh brightened my days and how your lips toke my breath away. How we could talk for hours and id never get tired of it. How when I held your hands, it just felt perfect. Your small hands that disappeared underneath mine, you always joked about how silly it was but I loved it. How your body felt pressed against mine when I held you close. And how now all I have from that is memories. Some good, some bad. But to me the good out weighed the bad tenfold.
I blame myself for our falling out. I had my issues that i needed to fix but I thought I could push it away and that being with you would fix me. It felt that way. Every hug saved me. Every touch made me forget that I was broken. Every hello woke me up. But then the day came that you were no longer there, it came back full force and I can’t blame anyone for that except me. But thank you. For dealing with my shit. For caring about me. What made me love you so much is how you made me feel. I felt weightless. Like all my problems were gone with you. I saw those feelings disappear as time went on. Your smile felt forced. My tears went untold. We drifted apart. And I don't hate you. Nor do I blame you for what happened. I really do hope everything works out for you. I hope you find someone that makes you feel happy. Someone that isn't broken and that you can rely on and grow up with. I hope one day.. one day things will get better.
You ever hear that one song that just fucks you up? Your voice is that song. Not because I'm mad at you or that I'm hurt. Because there is so much left unsaid that I want to say but my fucked up mind wont let me utter the words I need to let my heart and soul breathe. So here I am. Letting it out.
I'm sorry.
I hope you're doing well. I wish you knew how much I miss you. And how much it hurts when we go days without talking. I went from being your everything to nothing in a blink of an eye. I hope you're doing better.
I only wanted the best for you and still do. And if that means I'm not, then so be it.
I'll will always love you. You and all your insecurities. I'll always pray you get home safe when you walk home alone. I'll always miss our good times. You'll always be the one that got away. You'll always be the one i truly trusted and confided in. Maybe I'll find someone else that will be a better fit, but she won’t be you. And that kills me. I regret not fixing me before pursuing us. You deserved the best version of me. Instead you got this shitty version of me and I'm sorry for that. And all the worry you have, forget it because your amazing and bright and I'm not worried about you. You'll figure everything out. I believe in you.
Thank you for being my light in the dark.
-Steff
