If I were given a chance to travel through time and save you from all the hurt, the lies, the mistreatment, the abuse, and the scars I would, but I am only a man. I think the worst part about the whole thing is that he somehow convinced you that you were responsible for all the fights, all the yelling, for his cheating, and for your own broken heart.
Who am I you might ask, well I’m the guy that came after. The guy that will spend most of his life picking up the pieces he scattered and scathed. I’m the guy that will mean everything that he pretended. I’ll keep all the promises he broke.
Let’s not be unfair however there were good times, in fact there were just enough good times to make you temporarily put up with all the toxicness that existed. Falling asleep each night feeling like you were so inadequate, you felt like you were almost lucky to even have someone regardless of how they treated you. That’s the first lie he made you believe. You’re worth more than the way he treated you and you deserve far better than he could ever hope to be. You’re so much more than the sex he wanted from you. You’re so much more than the trophy he was trying to make you. While he was sitting next to you wondering if he might be able to get in your pants tonight, you sit there believing he loves you and that when he says “forever” he means it. Realistically what are you expected to believe? He’s the first person to say those kinds of things so convincingly. That’s the best part, how believable the whole act is.
It didn’t seem to matter what the subject was it somehow always managed to morph into a fight that was your fault. The yelling and the screaming became as normal as the sun coming up in the morning. Day in day out you were degraded, it’s unfathomable that he could still stare into your eyes when you were vulnerable and tell you every lie again, just good enough that you kept believing it. His lies like weeds choked your growth. These weeds rooted so deeply within you, I’m pulling them out one at a time.
Your heart is so enormous, you give a plethora of chances to people and he knew that. It took awhile for him to realize that you had a belt of morality around your waist that he wasn’t going to be able to just unbuckle late at night in the heat of the moment. It wasn’t anything that you did, he just came to realize that he wasn’t going to get what he wanted from you. He began to look elsewhere to find the antidote to his sexual desires.
It breaks my heart that to this day you still believe you deserved everything that he did to you. Your self worth had been completely eradicated. The way you began to perceive yourself had been entirely perverted by the way he treated you. You are a daughter of Christ and you are beautifully and wonderfully made; “You are altogether beautiful, my love; there is no flaw in you” Song of Solomon 4:7.
There was so much pain throughout the entire ordeal, but nothing compared to the pain you would feel thereafter. You gave your entirety to him; your love, your trust, your faith, and your heart just to watch it all become trampled in the stampede that was his falsity. The beauty of grace is that it makes life unfair. Although you felt alone you were not forsaken. All along He was waiting there to bring you out from the pit you had been entrenching yourself in. Finally the healing could begin, He became the priority in your life again and things slowly began to come together for you again.
It has been awhile since all these events took place but they still cross your mind constantly. This is a process of healing that won’t be easy but know that you won’t be alone. He always told you that he would be there for you through everything, he said it but I mean it. He told you that you could trust him, he said it but I mean it. There are numerous things that I tell you that you cannot believe because of the way your heart has been violated, but I don’t expect you to believe me. I will always be more than words, I will be action. Everything I say to you I will live out.
I care for you, and I know those are just words but I will prove that to you, that is something you deserve. Talk is cheap and often times meaningless. Actions mean everything, which is why I will spend everyday that you allow me to prove to you that you are worth so much more than the way you have been treated. You deserve more than your experiences would lead you to believe. Let me be clear, I do NOT deserve you. Honestly, I don’t think anyone could deserve the incredible blessing that you are, but I promise with everything that I am that I will never stop trying to be the man that you do deserve. God has intrusted me with His finest creation and I will not waste this opportunity.
You are so much more than you see, that is not my opinion alone that is His opinion.
