To the cousin who abused me,
I never thought I would be able to do this, but I know I need to. I need you to know exactly what you have done to me.
I can never be exactly sure what age I was when it started, I think I was around 7-8 and you were 11-12. We were never very close. We only really seen each other when we were visiting our Gran's house at the weekends. It stopped when I was 10-11.
I remember the day it started. Do you? Do you remember we played football outside, where you tackled me and used it as an excuse to rub against me and lay on top of me. I was a little girl at the time, I never thought anything of it. I should have.
Do you remember when you made our little cousin, my little sister and us to play "Truth or Dare". I didn't want to, I told you I didn't want to but, you said you were the oldest so you got to say what we played and I would get into trouble for not listening to the person in charge.
You give the little ones daft things like singing in a girls voice or to tickle the other. When it was your turn to "tickle" me you used it as a way to touch me. You rubbed me in between my legs and I told you to stop! I started crying and I went to leave the room. You told me you didn't mean it, you were just tickling me and it was a mistake and It was my fault for wiggling so much when you were tickling me.
My fault? Maybe it was.
Do you remember the times where you locked me in Gran's bathroom, when you would lock the door and pull down your trousers. You asked me if I had "ever seen one so big and hard" You grabbed my hand and made me touch you. I hated it, I cried so much. When I started crying loud enough for someone to hear me, you told me to stop crying because I would get into serious trouble if I told anyone. You told me no one would believe me. No one believes little girls and that I would be sent away to a children's home.
Do you remember the day you tried to rape me? At the old abandoned railroad just out of eyesight from Gran's house? When I was struggling to get you off of me and the sweet old lady walking down the footpath seen what you were doing and shouted after you. I ran into the house but I wish I knew who that lady was, she saved me.
Do you remember the countless times you locked me in rooms and forced me to touch you. You locked me in your dad's bedroom and tried to rip my pants off. You touched me in every single place you could.
Do you remember any of this?
For years you convinced me that I was going to get into trouble, that no one would believe a little girl like me. You told me this was my fault.
It turns out people do believe little girls. My little sister told my mum what she had witnessed you do to me for years. My mum had a conversation with my sister about how if someone makes you do things you don't want to or touch you in your private areas and she said "like so and so does to so and so?" I was never doubted for a second.
You admitted what you done to me. You never denied it, I'll give you that.
I pressed charges. The PF said you were mentally challenged and you didn't know what you were doing. They failed to make you pay for the things you did. Did you know what you were doing? I think you did.
I have tried for years to get over it. I have tried to forget, I can't though. It changed me for life. I have nightmares of you trying to rape me again. I have nightmares of locked bathrooms and not being able to escape from your grasp. Now to this day I can't used a bathroom unless it's locked.
I have attempted suicide three times.
The medication I have been on for six years barely helps.
It took me a year to get over self-harming.
But you are OK, with your fiancée and your baby on the way (thankfully it's a boy).
I'm haunted every day. I worry that I am not the only one. I worry that someone else has suffered at your hands. I pray that if you ever have a daughter, she will never have to go though what you put me through. I put my fiancée through hell when I can't bare for her to touch me. I wake her up when I have a nightmare and I wake up crying and screaming for help.
I am not a strong person, I know I'm weak. I can't bring myself to stop blaming myself. I should have been braver and said something. I couldn't though. I know I should have said something and I could have saved myself from years of sexual abuse. I could have saved myself front the mental anguish I have to go through every day. I know I didn't ask for this and I know I didn't do this to myself I only wish I were braver.
I have struggled for years because of you. I hope it haunts you the way it does me. I hope you look in the mirror and you are disgusted at what you have done. I hope you have sleepless nights like I do. I hope the guilt keeps you awake.
I hope, you never forgive yourself for the things you done. I know I will never forgive you.