an Open Letter to the Boy I'm Still in Love With

Subject: an Open Letter to the Boy I'm Still in Love With
From: M
Date: 3 Nov 2016

I never expected things to end up like this. If you read this you'll probably be thinking something like "How couldn't you see this coming, it was your fault." And you're right, undeniably it was my fault.

I let my inside struggle get between us. I allowed myself to convince me that maybe you didn't care as much as you did, that maybe you didn't love me like I loved you. I was wrong, obviously, and I had thought things were done there. Maybe it would have been easier on me if it had been. But we both started coming around. We both wanted so badly to hold onto that connection. I still do.

You'll know what I'm saying when I reference that day. And that day is what ultimately brought everything crashing down around me. Once again I was weaker than my mental illness. I was selfish. I was stupid. And you couldn't take it. I don't blame you, its a lot to swallow. But now here I am, almost 160 miles away from home in a pitiful attempt to forget. I thought getting away from the places where they happened would take them away. Wrong, as always. Even now I still remember the night we met, like it was yesterday even. I remember that click I felt, that feeling in my cheat and stomach that told me you were going to be someone important. I remember coming home to you from school and being so happy despite everything that had went on that day. I remember when you went with us to Pittsburgh zoo and weren't embarrassed to hold my hand while i cried publicly about how cute the elephant was.

When I look back there was a lot you did for me, a lot I took for granted, and for that I'm so sorry. I would get so caught up in the things you didn't do, and forgot to be thankful for the little things you did do. Another thing I messed up.

I know that part of me will always love you, and part of you will always be there in the back of my mind. You know that I forget a lot of things but you won't be one of them. And if given the chance I would correct my wrongs in a heart beat, love you right, treat you the way you deserve. But even if you're never mine again, you're still my motivation to get better, and to be a better person.

I know its going to take me a long time to get over you, and to get over the fact that I caused my own heartbreak. I was never a good writer, never much of a writer at all, but you knew that. And just in case its the last time I ever get to say it, I love you, goon.