An Open Letter to the Boy I Loved More Than Myself:
I love you. There it is in black and white, the words I’ve only said to you once when you were drunk and telling me you loved me back. I’ve wanted to say these words to you for so long but I’ve held it in more times than you’ll ever know in fear of ruining whatever this thing is we have.
From the moment I first saw you when I was just 18 I knew you were going to be trouble, cue Taylor Swift… But really, I’ve never met someone who could make me feel so much with just one glance, heck I didn’t even know your name but I was hooked. Little did I know years later at the age of 21 you would still be doing this to me.
In the years that passed you became someone to me that I never could have imagined. While we never technically dated, some days it sure did feel like it. You always felt like more than a friend to me but constantly reminded me that we could be nothing more than friends. You always knew how I felt about you but took every chance you got to remind me that you didn’t love me, you didn’t want a future with me, and that we would never be anything more than fuckbuddies. But that didn’t stop you from treating me like your girlfriend when you were lonely or from telling me that one day you bet you’ll marry me. It was the little things like that that have kept me holding on for the last three years since that first glance. I’ve tried more than you’ll ever know to move on, forget you, burry you deep inside, and prayed to God begging that I’ll be able to forget you and be happy but still three years later and I can’t do any of it. I’ve accepted the fact that I’m always going to love you, I’m always going to care about you so very much, and I will always answer your phone calls in the middle of the night hoping that one day you’ll change your mind.
You’ve walked in and out of my life too many times to count. Each time making me happier and even more devastated than the last. Each time making more and more promises about the future that both of us know you won’t keep. But each time I secretly hope it’ll be different. I secretly hope I’ll hear you say those eight letters and three words for real and not after a night out drinking while we are laying in bed before you pass out only to wakeup in the morning and not remember any of it.
I don’t know what I am to you and I find myself wondering about it all the time. To me you are the boy that has taught me many lessons in life, the one who has 100% made me who I am today, the one who has shown me what it’s like to truly and completely love someone, to know the feeling of not wanting to live without someone, to know what it’s like to crave someone’s presence, and to know what it’s like to care about someone more than you’ll ever care about yourself. You are the boy I consider the great love of my life, which is funny considering we never actually dated and you refused to love me. You’re the boy I will tell my future daughter about and what it’s like to feel a love so strong. You’re the boy I will compare each and every single guy I date to. You’re the boy I will miss for the rest of my life. You’re the boy I’ll wish I never met but will be glad I did. You’re the boy I’ll hate myself for always being so weak for but I’ll still be there for you within seconds if you needed me. I’ll let you take advantage of me and use me for whatever it is you want just because I want to spend time with you. I’m sure this sounds pathetic to you; you’ve told me countless times how pathetic I am but I’m done lying to myself about you. Maybe we were never meant to last this long, a hookup that’s gone on for years but I’m thankful for each day you’re in my life. You have become my very best friend, someone who I would turn to with absolutely anything and someone I trust my life with. In the middle of the night when I feel like I have no one and I’m fighting back the tears, you are the one I want to talk to. Just one text from you can help ease the pain and turn the whole night around. The worst nights are the ones when I break down and text you then find out that my number has been blocked again and there’s someone new in your life. I spend the next weeks telling my friends how much I hate you and how stupid I am for letting you back in but the truth is I wouldn’t trade the time I got with you for anything. Maybe that does make me pathetic but I never wanted you to feel alone like me in your darkest times. I wanted you to feel like you always had a friend and someone to turn to even when it seemed like there was no one. I wanted to be the one who helped you back up and reminded you how special you are. Maybe this isn’t who I am to you but it’s who you are to me.
I know you’re going to date other people and it’s hard for me to see you with her and hear about how happy you are but deep down I really am happy for you. I hope you find absolute happiness in life and the kind of love you have made me feel. I have seen you change in the last three years and you’re not the same boy you were when I met you. You’ve grown up and you have an amazing and loving heart. You’re the smart, caring, loving, and kind-hearted boy I always knew you were, it just took you awhile to get there. You will make someone feel so very loved and special one day. You’re going to make an amazing husband and future father. I know you’re going to get everything and more than you could ever wish for out of life and you deserve all of it. Never let anyone convince you otherwise of that.
Lastly, I just want to say thank you. Thank you for everything you’ve done for me. Thank you for being there for me and not walking away. Thank you for making me feel loved and special when there was no one else who cared. Thank you for being the friend I always needed. Thank you for knowing me better than anyone and reminding me of who I am. Thank you for not giving up on me when everyone else did. Thank you for all of it. I wish you knew how much you meant to me and how special you will always be to me. If you ever need to be reminded just how special and loved you are, I’ll be here for you. Always. After all, you’re the boy who’s had my heart from the start and I’m glad I chose you even if our story doesn’t have a happy ending.
I Love You.