An Open Apology to my High School Sweetheart

Subject: An Open Apology to my High School Sweetheart
Date: 23 Feb 2016

I'm sorry I told you your new black diamond earrings looked bad in front of your friends at the lunch table.

I'm sorry I was so hurt and offended by pornography and put that blame on you. I caused myself that pain because I relied on you for confidence and wasn't accepting of my own appearance.

I'm sorry I got mad when you wouldn't take your shirt off on the beach. Now I'm self conscious, too.

I'm sorry for complaining on my 16th birthday when you felt like you ruined everything and I pressured you to fix it, and I acted like a little brat and I didn't try to make you feel better because it was my birthday.

I'm sorry that I searched for approval of my appearance from other boys and men, when I should have only looked for my own approval.

I'm sorry for seeming sad so often and for expecting you to do something about it. It was my responsibility to fix that sadness.

I'm sorry that I had mood swings and instead of taking the time to settle them internally, I projected my quickly shifting mental states onto you and confused you.

I'm sorry that I expected you to develop your own goals and dreams and plans at the speed that I was.

I'm sorry that I pushed you to accept the God that worked for me, where it may not have been the one that worked best for you.

I'm sorry for being jealous when you interacted with other girls. This was a reflection of my own insecurities.

I'm sorry for expecting you to choose me over your friends, and for feeling like you didn't love me enough if you wanted time with them.

I'm sorry for ever trying to make you feel the emotion of jealousy.

I'm sorry for when you said the last thing you were the most proud of was how well you planned our last Valentine's Day, and I didn't tell you that was the moment where I truly understood how much you valued me. I'm sorry that we broke up a few days after and that I didn't express that.

I'm sorry that you became my grounding, instead of making the independent grounding in myself. That made me put a lot of unnecessary pressure on you at such a young age.

I'm sorry for ever undermining your intelligence or the goodness of your intentions, and for ever saying something bad about you both during and after our relationship.

I'm sorry for saying anything directly to you that made you feel like less than a perfect and whole individual.

I'm sorry for not understanding and accepting and taking the time to learn the reasons for your social anxiety or lack of self motivation. I did not understand that people's minds work so drastically different, even my own at different stages of my life. I'm sorry for trying to force my own way of thinking onto you. This was the wrong way to try and fix communication barriers.

I'm sorry for making keeping a clean room seem like the biggest deal in the world. My car and my bathroom are an eyesore now and it doesn't bother me one bit.

I'm sorry for not just having fun and enjoying the relationship like we did in the beginning. I'm sorry for overthinking everything. For having such strong opinions and bossiness to shape us into the life I imagined, instead of relishing in the life that I had.

I'm sorry for ultimatums that were consistently broken and forgiven. They shouldn't have been made in the first place.

I'm sorry for trying to live up to the societal pressures projected onto our high school relationship and it's progression into an adult relationship.

I'm sorry for taking your silence for indifference.

I'm sorry for not previously knowing, and therefore not truly sympathizing with, real pain. Not knowing trauma, or deep loss, or to have an emotional wall.

I'm sorry for not learning you with patience, understanding, selflessness, and an open mind.

I'm sorry for expecting you to fight for me. I'm sorry for expecting you to know how important you were to me and the space you filled in my life. I'm sorry if this made you feel unwanted.

I'm sorry for not loving you the way that every human being on this entire planet deserves to be loved.